


The Linguist Part 2

by Jadders92



Series: The Linguist [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Kissing, Make Up, Making Love, Remembrance, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-14 14:40:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3414455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadders92/pseuds/Jadders92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ask and you shall receive... </p><p>'Reality is that which, when we stop believing in it, doesn't go away.'</p><p>If you would like to contact me, the way to do so is through this email: jadders92@hotmail.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Was Your Birthday

**Author's Note:**

> Because you lot wanted more, I wrote more... Not sure how happy I am with some of it but that's really for you to decide. As always if you've got any suggestions for plot points or things you'd like to see happen, go ahead and tell and I'll see what can be done. Enjoy! Love Jadders92 xx
> 
> We continue the story eight months on...

It was your birthday. 

Your birthday and it could not have started any worse. You were stuck in a sewage tunnel with barbed wire sticking out of your legs, biting into them painfully with every step. Skye had been bitten by a patrol dog and couldn't stand so you had to carry her through the sewer around the secure compound.

It was the first mission Coulson had been the only one on comms since the Gregor Novak incident eight months ago. You hadn't really given each other the closure you needed. You hadn't kissed him, you hadn't really spoken to him other than for work purposes and you couldn't stop thinking about him.

You put Skye down at the edge of the tunnel and she took out her laptop to hack into the server from where you were sitting. ‘How long?’ You said quietly picking out the barbed wire from your legs and keeping an eye out for any more patrols.

‘Thirty minutes tops.’ She said trying to adjust to accommodate her leg, that was bleeding heavily. ‘Happy birthday by the way.’

You sniggered and said ‘thanks. Just what I wanted.’ Indicating the wires. You eventually finished picking it out and rummaged around in your jacket for more bandages for Skye.

She continued hacking in as you changed the bloodied bandages for clean dry ones, it took a while and it wasn't your best work but it was the dead of night and freezing cold, you couldn't stop shaking. ‘How's it coming Skye?’ You heard Phil over the comms ask. 

‘I'm in, just downloading the data now, should be another three or four minutes before we can leave.’ She never took her eyes off of the screen as she typed away.

‘Good. You both okay?’ He asked with a touch more concern in his voice. You nodded to Skye.

‘Yeah, we’re both fine.’ She said rolling her eyes at you. ‘Just a few cuts and scrapes, nothing we can't handle.’ You were still on professional terms only with Phil and it was hard to talk to him like anything more than your handler without feeling your heart pull. You thought you heard a small sigh.

‘Good. Let us know when you're ready to leave and May will be on hand with your extraction transport.’ He said, his voice seemed incredibly cold and firm, like anger had gotten to him just a little. ‘Maintain radio silence until you're ready to contact her.’ You heard the familiar click of Phil tuning out of the mission. He was gone and you only had Skye and May to talk to.

‘You'll have to talk to him at some point you know.’ Skye said quietly, as the sound of a patrol passed by the tunnel’s opening. They soon moved along and you were able to respond.

‘I do talk to him.’ You defended.

‘You know what I'm talking about, don't avoid the question. When are you going to forgive him? He's like a lost puppy, wandering around awkwardly not knowing if he's allowed to speak in your presence.’ Skye shook her head and typed a little faster.

‘I don't know Skye.’ You said truthfully. ‘I'm just tired of being angry, but not tired enough to forgive him… I thought he'd left me.’

‘I know, I get it. But the fact is he didn't. He was there everyday while you were sleeping, I've never seen him look so helpless.’ She said, it was a conversation you'd had many times before and it always ended with the same four words.

‘I'll think about it.’ You said as Skye began packing up her laptop. You helped her up and gave her all the support you could, she still couldn't put pressure on her leg but she could at least limp. You were too cold and your legs were too exhausted to carry her for any length of time. You tuned into May’s comms and told her you were ready to be picked up, you both made it to the narrow road just off of the compound and got in the jeep to drive back to the bus. All in all the mission was a success.

 

You woke up a few hours later feeling the same ache you'd felt for months, the ache that told you you were still a SHIELD agent. You left your bunk and proceeded to start your day.

‘Happy birthday kid.’ Trip said bringing you some coffee while you were working. He gave you a peck on the cheek and hugged you in his usual fashion. You loved Trip he was like the big brother you never had, always looking out for you and always making sure you weren't driving yourself insane with work. 

‘Thanks Trip!’ You sipped the steaming coffee. You could feel your legs twinge a little and out your hand down to soothe your thigh.

‘Still sore?’ He said settling in a chair behind you as you continued tapping away on the platform, sorting through photos the linguistics department sent you.

‘A little.’ You admitted.

‘I heard we were stopping off in Hawaii for the weekend.’ 

‘Really?’ You were surprised.

‘Yeah, the next assignment is there so we’re heading early to get a head start, but you know what that means?’ You frowned a little. ‘You get a birthday party, compliments to the Trip!’ 

You couldn't resist you just laughed at how proud he was that he'd planned to throw you a party. ‘You really think Coulson would let you do that?’

‘Well, it's not so much a party as it is the whole gang going to get some dinner and a few drinks, but it's a party mood that makes a party, right?’ Trip stood up and gave you another peck.

‘Thanks Trip. I appreciate it.’ You smiled up at him. He gave you a quick wink as he walked away and left you to continue working.

You thrust your hands into your hoodie pockets, you hadn't realised it at the time but the hoodie you had on was the same one that Phil had given you over a year ago when you were working in a bar in New York. It was cosy and you loved it, but recently it had stung slightly to wear it because it reminded you of the first time you and Phil had kissed.

‘Three hours.’ Phil said, making you jump a little.

‘I'm sorry?’ 

‘Three hours. The time it took for you and Skye to complete the mission last night.’ He said with a hint of impatience. ‘It took three hours and twenty minutes to complete a similar mission in Prague. You're getting better.’ 

‘Good. Thanks.’ You looked back down at the platform, feeling a hint of awkwardness. ‘I heard we’re stopping off in Hawaii tonight?’ You tried to make conversation and by the look on his face, it had taken him by surprise as well.

‘…yeah. Thought it'd be nice.’ He said stepping further into the room. ‘Contact doesn't arrive til Monday morning, but we could do with a couple of days to rest.’

‘Sounds like fun…’ 

You both stood for a little too long in awkward silence. ‘Look,’ you started, you weren't sure of where the sentence was going but anything seemed better than the silence. ‘I'm trying here.’

‘I know.’

‘I'm tired of being angry, but I'm struggling to move forward. Do you know what I mean?’

Phil nodded slowly as he took another step toward you. ‘I do. I understand. It was a hard thing to go through for everyone involved, not just us. But I don't know what to do. I'm working on your terms here and I don't even know what they are, I'm just trying to help ease the anger.’ 

You leaned back against the platform and nodded. ‘Yeah, I guess I'm not sure what my terms are either.’

‘Well, my door's open when you find out.’ He smiled, you could see him realising that you had his hoodie on. ‘Can we go to my office for a moment and talk?’ You could tell by his expression that it really was just to talk, so you nodded and followed him there, holding your coffee with both hands.

You sat down in the comfy chair opposite Phil and pulled your aching legs up to your chest. He smiled warmly at you and thought about what he wanted to say. 

‘You can leave at any time you like.’ He started. ‘If you aren't ready to talk about us then that's fine, you can walk away and I won't follow you. I just want to talk for a while.’

A few times Phil had tried to talk to you, you really hadn't been ready and felt the need to walk away before you broke down. You took another sip of your coffee and nodded for him to continue.

‘Let me tell you what I want and you can yell at me, tell me I lost my chance or whatever it is you want to say afterwards.’ Phil loosened his tie and pushed his sleeves a little further up his arms, showing off his strong forearms. ‘I want to be with you… I want to make you happy again and I want you to be happy with me. I miss being able to kiss you and tell you how much I love you. I don't want to fight, I don't want to upset you. I want you to forgive me.’

You just looked at him, it was the most honest he had been with you since you'd woken up and he looked just as tired then. ‘How does that make you feel?’ He asked.

‘Honestly Phil, I don't know… I know I want the same things, I want to be with you.’ You let out a sigh. ‘But, I felt like I couldn't trust you anymore… These last few months have helped, you've been there on missions and when I get hurt you always ask if I'm okay and it's been nice. I don't know what's stopping me, but I do know that being angry with you is easier than loving you… What do I do with that?’ You shrugged and took another sip of your coffee and waited for his reaction.

‘If that's honestly how you feel then I can only say that it upsets me to know that I hurt enough to make you feel like that.’ You could see that pained expression again, the one you hated so much. ‘I can't keep telling you how sorry I am, I can't mean it anymore. I don't know how to fix anything anymore…’ 

‘Me neither… I think time is key here and a lot of patience.’ You chuckled. Phil half smiled as well. 

‘Well, I've got time.’ He sat back in his chair watching you.

‘Me too.’ You smiled back. ‘So, why Hawaii?’ You challenged him. 

‘Because we have an assignment there.’ He said, taking his tie off completely. ‘Absolutely no other reason.’ He was giving you that look he gave when it was obvious he had an ulterior motive, he gave you a small wink.

‘So, the fact that it's my birthday today and you were in such a rush to get last nights mission over and done with, has nothing to do with it.’ You finished the rest of your coffee.

‘What an amazing coincidence. But that sounds a little unprofessional.’ He said dryly. You put your coffee cup down on his desk.

‘Yes, and we both know that you're the shining example of professionalism. Never breaking laws, never bending the rules for your team… Never sleeping with women who are young enough to be your daughter.’ You tested the waters slightly with that last one. Phil gave you a darkened look that you recognised immediately.

‘That was a cheap shot even for you.’ He said with a smile. Progress had been made. ‘And its not exactly a hobby of mine, I never got that chance.’ He gave you another wink and felt your cheeks warm slightly.

‘I'd better get back to work.’ You said finally, you couldn't stop smiling at him. ‘I've missed these chats Phil.’ You picked up your coffee cup and went to leave.

‘Me too. Hey?’ You turned back to see him still grinning. ‘Nice sweat shirt.’

‘Thanks, this guy gave it to me just before we made out in his really nice car.’

‘Lucky guy.’

‘He thought so.’ You left Phil's office with a stupid grin on your face and got back to work on the translations. Maybe there was hope after all.

 

You had been working hard all day and even found the time to take a quick nap before you landed in Hawaii. Trip had pulled you away from the platform reluctantly, you couldn't be angry with him, so you just laughed and grabbed your overnight bag. You'd be staying in what Trip described as a luxury hotel, you'd be sharing a small ground floor apartment with Skye, May with Trip, Fitzsimmons and Phil had his own one. It was nice knowing you'd be there for the next two weeks on assignment, even if only two of those days could be spent relaxing.

‘Wonder how Coulson swung this?’ Skye said throwing her bag down on the furthest bed and going to open the doors that looked out towards the beach. She was still limping heavily, but it didn't seemed to bother her as much as it had done the night before.

You felt the cool evening breeze circle your body as you slumped down on your own bed, you tried not to close your eyes, you knew if you did that you would just fall asleep and your dreams of your mother would claim you before too long. You had been dreaming about her a lot recently and your father, sometimes they just stood in the garden of your old house and you watched them laughing with each other, others times they talked to you and sometimes a nightmare would creep in and you'd wake up with their screams still ringing in your ears.

A knock at the door snapped you back to reality, Skye was outside on the deck taking in the last of the sun, so you peeked through the peep hole and opened it for Trip and Fitzsimmons who had already gotten changed and ready to head out for dinner. Trip was wearing an obnoxious flowery shirt as was Fitz and Simmons looked gorgeous in her cream dress over leggings.

‘You're not even dressed yet?’ Fitz exclaimed.

‘Fitz!’ Simmons hit his arm, making him flinch.

‘You guys got fifteen minutes or I'll be coming back up to get you, dressed or not.’ Trip smiled. ‘We’ll be in the bar, with everyone else.’ He gave a wink and ushered the other two who were still bickering away from your room.

You just laughed and closed the door after them. ‘Skye, come on. Everyone's waiting to go out.’ You could see the sun slowly descending in the sky as you took out the only set of nice clothes you had. A mint green silk strappy top and slim fitting jeans. Skye changed into something similar, a plum top with black leggings and both of you decided a hoodie would suffice for when it got cold. Fifteen minutes later and you were both fairly impressed that you were ready to leave. 

‘Wait a sec.’ Skye said as she rummaged in her bag for something. She took out a small silver wrapped package and gave it to you. ‘Happy birthday.’ She said smiling. You rolled your eyes and began to carefully unwrap the gift.

‘You shouldn't have, I wasn't expecting anything.’ You said feeling a little shy.

‘Yeah, well I thought why not.’ She sat down resting her leg as you got the whole gift opened. ‘Oh and you should be prepared for what Trip got you, I heard he literally travelled the world to find it.’ 

You laughed and looked down. It was a black case and inside was a knife, but this knife was one you recognised from a mission. ‘Is this from Japan?’ You asked. Skye nodded and you felt yourself get a little giddy. 

You remembered it was the first real mission you and Skye went on as fully trained SHIELD agents, it was in the heart of Tokyo and you had taken down a huge burly HYDRA agent who had this very knife on him. You found that the silver dragon engraved handle fit perfectly in your hand and had proceeded to keep it on you for the rest of the mission, forming a slight attachment to it before losing it during extraction. ‘Where did you find it?’

‘I asked the clean up team to keep an eye out for it, just in case.’ Skye shrugged. You hugged her and laughed.

‘Thanks.’

‘No problem, now let's go and get drunk!’ She said, as you helped her stand up. You put the knife away carefully in your bag, ensuring it was covered up with clothes and safe. 

You both got down to the bar and Trip was waiting for you, looking at his watch. ‘You got lucky this time.’ He said hugging you tightly and letting Skye take his arm for support as he guided you both out to the restaurant where everyone was waiting for you to arrive. May had opted for the same black jeans and tight yellow top with a white shall and Phil had gone with a white linen shirt over black trousers. Everyone looked very relaxed and it was just the way you preferred it.

Everyone got up to hug you and wish you a happy birthday, until it came to Phil when they decided to immerse themselves in conversation.

‘Happy birthday, you look good.’ He said, he leaned down and gave you a quick kiss on your cheek, making you feel a little warm. Phil held a chair out for you, like the gentleman he was and waited until you were seated to sit down as well.

The night was just what you wanted it to be, filled with mission talk and lots of food and alcohol. Everyone had gotten you a gift, which were profoundly shy about; May had gotten you a book on meditation techniques that she said helped with nightmares, Fitzsimmons had built you a device to quickly assess your injuries in the field and show you how to deal with them, supplying you with a small amount of anaesthetic, bandages and small tools for removing objects from the wounds, you had to laugh hard, you were probably the most injury prone on the team and it was nice to know you could rely on them help you out in the field however they could.

Trip had given you a bottle of Cannabis vodka that he proudly stated came from the south of Spain and he had picked it up after you and him had a drinking night and found that you both held your alcohol quite well. 

Everyone began getting up and dancing or were so into their conversations that they didn't notice Phil handing you a small square gift. ‘You honestly didn't have to.’ You told him.

‘I know. I just thought you might've wanted this.’ He smiled with a hint of something else as he looked down at his hands. ‘Open it.’ He nodded to you.

You carefully unwrapped the paper and saw that it was a picture frame. Your heart stopped for a moment as you realised who was in the foreground of the picture. It was your parents, looking very young, your mother was heavily pregnant, they stood in a group of people, Maria Hill laughing with Nick Fury which was an unusual sight and in the middle was Phil pouring wine with Jasper Sitwell, there were a few other people you didn't recognise there as well. It seemed to be at some kind of party in Fury’s office, everyone looked incredibly young and carefree; it was beautiful.

‘Nick had just been named deputy director that day, we all celebrated in his new office.’ Phil looked at the photo sadly remembering the night. ‘Not many of us left now.’

‘They look so happy.’ You said still focussed on your parents.

‘They were.’ Phil smiled. ‘You're probably the only real SHIELD born child still around.’ There was a sudden chill that ran down your spine at that.

‘What do mean?’ You asked.

‘I'll tell you tomorrow. Just enjoy your birthday.’ He said trying to seem happy, but you could see that that statement had a lot of weight resting on it. You decided to just leave it be for the time being.

‘Who else is in the picture?’ You asked frowning at the people you didn't recognise. Phil smiled and pointed out the rest of the party goers, you enjoyed his detailed descriptions of everyone and learning about their achievements. It just reminded you all the more what you had to live up to. Your parents were something special and as people kept telling you, that made you special as well. 

The night played on and the vodka was soon broken into and shots were passed around the table. Soon May was making sure that Fitzsimmons went to bed, before they got too many groundbreaking ideas. Skye was beginning to fall asleep along with Trip, they disappeared, Trip taking your birthday presents up to your room, giving you a kiss and a wink and very soon it was just you and Phil left sitting on the edge of the deck looking out at the pitch black ocean.

‘It looks terrifying.’ You chuckled.

‘It does.’

‘Like a huge black hole ready to swallow you up.’ You both sat listening to the waves crashing against each other in the distance.

‘Come on, let's get you to bed.’ Phil said, you looked over to him and he was a little more than tipsy but not quite drunk. He took your hand and helped you up, you laughed at… You weren't really sure to be honest, but it made Phil laugh as well and the two of you staggered back up the stairs towards your room. You had your arm around Phil’s waist and your head resting against that strong chest that you missed. You finally made it to your room and fished around for the keys in your pocket. ‘I hope you had a good birthday.’ He said, sincerely.

‘I did. Thank you for the gift, I only had one picture of my parents, it's nice to see them looking so happy.’ You leaned against the door, looking up at Phil, who had that dark look in his eyes again, you could see him fighting hard against it. You were pretty sure it was the alcohol talking, but you suddenly felt a rush of confidence. ‘Can I ask a question? I want an honest answer.’

Phil nodded slowly, he knew what was going through your mind.

‘If I asked you to kiss me, would you do it?’

Phil smiled and stepped toward you, there were only inches between you. ‘Do you want me to kiss you?’ his voice was quiet and silky and it melted your core.

‘I always want you to kiss me.’ The confidence was pouring out of you.

You could see Phil thinking very quickly, until finally he put his hands on your hips and ran his thumbs over the bone, making your breathing a little shallow. Phil leaned in and pressed a kiss to your cheek and a huge part of you was bitterly disappointed, but so glad for the contact he was giving you. ‘I'll probably regret saying this,’ he whispered against your ear, ‘but even though I want nothing more than to take you back to my room and make love to you all weekend… We've both had a few drinks, I don't want you to do anything you might regret later. We’re both too hurt for that.’ 

You could feel him about to pull away, but you couldn't let him leave just yet, so you held him tight against you, feeling his hands curl around your waist and wander up your back, drinking each other in. ‘I'm still in love with you Phil.’ You whispered, feeling a lump in your throat. You heard him let out a sigh of relief and his hold tightened just for a moment, as he kissed your shoulder and neck, before stopping and forcing himself to pull away.

He looked into your eyes and you could see that the fight he was putting up against what he really wanted just got harder. He cupped your face with one hand and continued to brush his thumb over your hipbone. ‘You know I love you so much, sweetheart. But I can't stay. If you wake up tomorrow and still feel like this, then you know where I am and we can talk, but I just can't afford to lose you again.’ The tears were forming in his eyes and again you saw it, you saw how broken he still was. You nodded anyway and kissed his cheek. 

You quickly stepped into your room and leaned back against the door listening to him walk away, it was the worst sound you'd ever heard and it twisted your heart painfully in your chest.


	2. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only way a SHIELD agent knows how to handle a hangover.

The next morning you were greeted by a dull ache in your temples, the only godsend was the cool morning breeze that enveloped you as you realised Skye had opened the glass doors again. You turned over and saw the picture of your parents sitting next to you on the bedside table, you could feel that familiar pull in your heart as you remembered the previous night; Phil. You couldn't bear to get emotional again so you wrapped yourself in your quilt and went outside to sit with Skye who had done the same. You both sat for nearly half an hour wrapped in your quilts, trying to battle the pain in your heads. 

You glanced over at her, you could see her bloodshot eyes and her messy hair. ‘You've got a beehive on your head.’ She glared at you and you couldn't help but laugh, she eventually joined in.

‘Keep the noise down. Please!’ You heard Trip’s voice from just next door, he was still wearing his obnoxious shirt unbuttoned and you both began howling with laughter. ‘You guys have finally lost it.’ He shook his head and went back inside.

You weren't sure how long the laughter continued for but when you both settled your head began to throb. ‘I don't remember the last time I laughed like that.’ Skye mused and honestly you couldn't remember either, but it felt good.

You both eventually got up and Trip took Skye to the beach with Fitzsimmons, you didn't feel much like going to the beach, so you just sat and watched the ocean thinking about the night before, in you Jean shorts and pyjama t shirt. You knew Phil was right, you knew you couldn't kiss him while you were both in the state you were, but you felt like you were missing out on something important.

You had the picture frame in your hands and stared down at it, you wondered what it was that was making your parents laugh in that moment, a joke someone told or a look someone gave. Simple, but such a precious moment.

‘Is that seat taken?’ You heard Phil say from the edge of the deck, he pointed to the chair next to you. You shook your head still feeling the dull ache in your head. Phil still looked just as relaxed as he had done the previous night in his aviators, jeans and white t shirt. He sat down next to you and smiled noticing the photo. ‘How you feeling?’ he asked, you still had your sunglasses on under the shade and squinted at him.

‘I feel like crap.’ You said miserably. ‘You?’

‘I've felt worse.’ He shrugged and looked out at the ocean. ‘Did you enjoy your birthday?’ He asked settling in his chair properly leaning back.

You thought about it and it was probably one of the best birthdays you'd ever had, but you knew where the conversation was heading one way or another, so you took a chance. ‘Could've had a better ending, but I get it.’

Phil looked at you, you could see the pain knit in his eyebrows just above his glasses. ‘You know how much I wanted that, it wouldn't have been the right decision though.’

‘I know.’

You both sat in silence listening to the waves crashing for a few moments, before Phil spoke again.

‘What do we do now?’ He asked exasperated.

‘Talk about how we feel I guess?’ You didn't know what you were supposed to do now, you had been playing this strange game of patience, waiting for the other person to make the next move. You hadn't had a lot of experience with relationships, at least not ones as intense as this and it really wasn't your forte.

‘We've done that already.’ He said still staring out towards the ocean. ‘Maybe I should've kissed you last night?’

‘Maybe. But you didn't… It hasn't changed how I feel though.’ You said, putting the picture frame down on the table to face the ocean. When you turned back, Phil was staring at you. ‘What?’

‘So you meant it?’ He asked, sitting upright.

‘Meant what?’

‘That you're still in love with me?’ You could hear the hope in his voice.

‘Phil, that's never changed. I've always been in love with you. It's just…’ You weren't sure if you really wanted to say what you were about to say, but seeing as you were being honest. ‘Some days are easier than others. Yesterday, it felt easy, when we were in your office talking and when I thought there was a chance to… Today is a little harder, I don't know where I stand today.’ You watched Phil think everything through, he knew exactly what you were saying and it was his turn to say something.

‘I'm not good at relationships.’ He said simply. You were about to say that neither were you, but he continued. ‘I'm not always going to know what you want, I'm not always going to be there when you need me, I don't always say the right things and I don't always know what the next step is, but I know what I want… Right now I want to kiss you, I want you to feel how much I care about you and I want to be with you in every way I can… That's where I stand, I want you. But like I said in the beginning, if you think I'm too old or if there's someone you'd rather be with then that's fine. I just want you to be happy.’ Phil sat facing you with his sunglasses now in his hands. You had no reason to think he was lying, he had that pained look that couldn't stand. ‘Tell me what you want… You weren't afraid to tell me last night.’

You chuckled a little. He was right, all you wanted at that very moment was to kiss this man that had just given you every piece of his heart and asked you to put it back together again for him.

‘I want you to kiss me.’ You said, you watched a smile form on his face. ‘I don't want to be angry anymore, it's exhausting and I honestly don't have the energy anymore.’ Phil took your hand and kissed it, you span around to face him.

‘It's okay. I understand why you're angry and I'm sorry I hurt you, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I can't bear to see you in pain.’ He said, getting closer to you. He held you tight and kissed your neck and shoulder the same way he had done the night before. You sat in his arms for a while before he kissed your cheek and pulled away. ‘So, what do we do now?’ He asked again, this time with a huge smile on his face.

‘Well, I was going to go for a walk, want to join me?’ You said.

‘Sure.’ 

‘Okay, let me change and we can go.’ You said getting up, you took the picture frame with you inside the room and went about putting it back on your bedside table. You rummaged in your bag for a set of clean clothes when you touched something cold and metallic, the knife. ‘Phil!’ You called. Phil wandered inside the room with a frown on his face and you waved the knife at him.

‘Where'd you get that?’ He asked examining it further.

‘Birthday present from Skye. It's from our first real mission together in Japan.’ You watched him look over the knife carefully. He smiled and handed it back to you.

‘I remember you getting attached to it.’ He said fondly. You put it back in your bag and took out a clean shirt, you didn't really think about it, you simply took your current top off and went about putting the clean one on.

Two warm hands glided over your hips making you shudder and lean back into Phil's chest, you felt him moan into your neck as he kissed you. ‘I'm sorry.’ He whispered. ‘I couldn't resist.’ You could feel him smiling against your shoulder and trying to regain control of his breathing before pulling himself away, but not before you turned around and pressed your lips to his. It was exactly as you remembered it, warm and tender, hands moving up to your waist, holding you against him. You opened your lips enough for him to slide his tongue against yours, caressing every part of your mouth, rediscovering everything he could. You heard a moan and Phil moved to guide you back towards the bed, but he stopped regaining a little piece of control long enough for you to half laugh against his mouth.

‘Don't ever say sorry for kissing me.’ You said once you managed to pull yourself away long enough to catch your breath. He laughed and gave you another chaste kiss as you put your shirt on finally.

You walked hand in hand on the beach, feeling the cool breeze circle your head and talking first about the assignment and then about more important things like his love of Captain America.

‘I think I was eight when my dad bought me my first card for my collection.’ He said remembering the moment fondly. He smiled down at you through his sun glasses and you continued to walk. ‘What about you?’ He asked. ‘Your dad was a fan, did he pass on his passion?’ You could tell there was a little hope in his voice that you'd say yes.

‘Not sure. I don't think he was around enough to influence my passions.’ It was a sad fact, but you wished you could've had those moments with your father, you had always hoped that if you were to have children one day that they could have a different experience to yours. All the talk of childhoods reminded you of something. ‘Can I ask you a question?’ 

Phil nodded.

‘You said something about SHIELD born children last night. That I was probably the only one still around?’ You heard Phil sigh, he knew you were going to bring it up again at some point, you just weren't aware he'd hate it so much.

‘There's a reason that SHIELD doesn't allow relationships within its ranks.’ He stopped and invited you to sit down with him and watch the water flow back and forth. Phil had already taken his shoes off and rolled his jeans, he looked so casual and carefree, you loved that look on him. ‘Did you ever wonder why SHIELD was so hell bent on protecting you? Like it or not, you are the product of two of the top agents this world has ever seen. It's hard for you to appreciate the shear mass of what your parents did, but I promise you that you're on the right track to surpassing those achievements, to really making a difference in the world. But it comes with a price and I doubt anyone has ever really explained this too you before, it makes you a target.’

‘A target?’ You knew your parents had made enemies, but you thought that was what SHIELD was protecting you from.

‘If you thought Novak was bad, you've got a big surprise in store.’ Phil chuckled. ‘This is why I came to you six years ago, this is why your dad trained you when you were so young, we were giving you the best protection we could; you. I hope you can forgive us for taking that part of your childhood away, but your parents knew that if you were even the least bit prepared to fend off an attack then that would be enough for back up to get to you in time. But it's best to avoid things like that altogether… Too many children have died because of us, we think by quitting SHIELD or going to live somewhere remote, away from the world that we can protect them, but we can't. In the end, it comes down to what you can do yourself. I mean you proved that very fact when you were kidnapped the first time.’ You still felt that familiar sting of the knife entering your shoulder blade, it had scarred over now and you hated that it still effected you. ‘If your dad hadn't trained you, do you honestly think you could've lasted that long?’

It was a question you had asked yourself a hundred times before, you never could come up with an answer. You had no idea, you were just glad you were alive and glad that Phil had come for you before you broke.

‘It's a sad fact, that no one can ever survive an interrogation, only live long enough to be rescued or die hoping for something that may never come. It's the best you can hope for.’ You both stared off into the distance, watching the horizon and thinking about everything Phil had told you. You looked down at the cuts in your bare legs still feeling the bite of the barbed wire in them.

‘How many have died?’ You suddenly asked. For some reason you felt you just had to know the exact number, like it meant something more to you than anyone else.

‘Sweetheart-‘

‘How many Phil?’ He knew you weren't going to stop until you got an answer.

‘Hundreds.’ He sighed. ‘All below the age of ten. That’s why SHIELD took a particular interest in you, your parents kept you alive beyond that and we knew you were something different.’

You felt sick to your stomach, to think that not a single child had survived beyond ten years old except you made your heart hurt. Phil put his arm around you and kissed your temple, he could tell what was going through your mind at that moment and knew you just needed to be held. ‘I always thought I'd have children.’ You said pondering. ‘I just thought it would happen one day, that I'd get married to some average guy with an average job and have an average life. I thought that was what they'd want, you know?’

‘I know.’ Phil said. ‘It's not too late though. I told you that saying no was always an option you would have, it still is. You could get a job researching linguistics, or any job you want really, I'm sure Nick has pull in any industry in the world.’

‘It is too late.’ You said. ‘I couldn't just sit at home with my average job while you go out and save the world leaving me for days on end, letting me worry.’

‘I had rather meant that… We probably couldn't work.’ You glared at Phil.

‘Really? You want to go there?’

‘Look, I'm not saying I want you to leave, but you'd be safe at least.’

‘But I wouldn't be happy.’ You argued. ‘I wouldn't have you, and if I don't have either of those things, what's the point?’

Phil smiled and bowed his head a little. ‘I guess you're right.’ 

You sat for a while longer just listening to the beach sounds, the water, the birds, the chatter from nearby families. ‘You want to head back?’ Phil asked.

‘Sure.’ When you looked at Phil, there was something wrong in his face, you could tell he wasn't quite looking at you and his eyebrows knitted together in a strange way. He'd seen something. You didn't ask questions, you just got up and walked back with him, you took a different route through the town, you both took a moment to put your shoes back on. 

‘Don't suppose you brought that knife with you?’ He said quietly as he bent down to tie his shoe.

‘No.’ You said just as quietly. Phil nodded and took your hand as you walked quickly around the corner and down the road. ‘Wanna clue me in?’ You said subtly.

‘Two men on our six, armed. Think they were at the restaurant last night as well.’ Phil said just as subtly.

‘Kiss me.’ You said.

‘What?!’

‘Let me get a look, kiss me.’ You clarified. Without hesitation, Phil turned and kissed you. You weren't really concentrated on the kiss, more on the two men that walked passed, staring at you and Phil who was getting a little too into it, slipping his hand under your top to feel your smooth skin on your back. The men walked passed and went into a nearby shop. ‘Come on.’ You took Phil's hand and ran back the way you'd come and ducked into an alleyway.

You stood flat against the wall a little out of breath and listened as the two men came running after you, they ran straight past you and looked around at the end of the road. You carefully crouched down and took quick pictures of the two men while they couldn't see you. Once you had done it and put your phone away, Phil grabbed you and pushed you against the wall attacking your mouth again. He moaned into you and squeezed your hips gently. ‘I wasn't finished.’ He whispered against you. He kissed all down your jaw and your neck drinking all of you in, sending delicious shivers down your body, pushing your hips into his, needing more contact, more Phil. 

Phil pulled away a little breathing heavily, he stroked your cheek and smiled giving you one more kiss and stepping away completely, you could feel yourself grinning stupidly and biting down on your lip. Phil couldn't take his eyes off of it, apparently he rather enjoyed it because that dark look came back into his eyes. He gently pulled your lip away and gave you another more desperate kiss. ‘We should get back to the hotel.’ He said in an annoyed tone, remembering why you were in the alleyway in the first place.

‘Yeah, we should.’ You said sadly, Phil did a quick of the road and you rushed back to the hotel still hand in hand.

 

You had sent a text ahead to Skye to run facial recognition on the two men for when you got back. By the time you'd gotten there, the results were in and May and Trip were already planning an op. 

‘Jorge Rodriguez and Aurelio Michaels.’ Skye said as you both entered your hotel room. Phil had already begun putting body armour on. ‘Both wanted on murder charges, assault, arson, theft, you name it they did it.’ Skye kept typing away getting more information on them. You quickly began gearing up to head out.

‘Known associates?’ Phil asked handing you a side arm.

‘Yeah,’ Skye said and span the laptop around to show a picture of a familiar face. ‘The only one that matters Jackson Bennett. The contact.’ 

Everyone turned to Phil for their orders. Trip and May were ready to head out as soon as he gave the word and you weren't far behind. You dove into your bag and took out the knife Skye had given you. Fitzsimmons were sitting on the bed and both gave you a look. You shrugged and strapped the knife to your thigh.

‘Get a message to Agent Willis, the contact is on her list, we’re just passing through.’ Phil said taking his armour off, but loading his side arm and strapping it to his waist, everyone knew what was coming and began making changes to their uniform. ‘The four of us will do a quick sweep in teams of two over the hotel and surrounding area. Trip, May you take the immediate area outside the hotel, we’ll take the hotel. They've already seen us together and we don't know what they're after. Keep it subtle and stay on comms at all times, no excuses. Everyone clear?’

‘What do we do?’ Fitz said from the bed.

‘You've both been through basic training, you can shoot a gun if you have to. Skye will be here, the only thing you have to do is stay calm and stay quiet, but be ready.’ Phil told them, Fitz stood up and locked the balcony doors and closed the blinds before getting back on the bed. You just watched and handed him your side arm.

‘It's loaded, safety's on.’ You said briefly, Fitz nodded to you while Jemma gave a worried look. ‘You shouldn't have to use it, we’ll be back in no time at all and Skye's here to look after you.’ You tried to comfort them both, but you knew how scary it could be to not know who your enemy was.

Phil handed you an earpiece as everyone geared up in civvies to head out. May and Trip headed first and tested the comms. You quickly checked everything was secure on your person and headed out with Phil. You started on the ground floor, casually walking through the hotel holding Phil's hand like you had done before.

‘Agent Willis is on the line, she's been briefed.’ Skye came through over comms.

‘Put her through.’ Phil commanded as you wandered up the stairs first to the first floor.

‘Agent Coulson, like I told your hacker, I don't know why Mr Bennett is following you. He is normally very cooperative.’ The Frenchwoman said annoyed at being called so late.

‘What do you know about Rodriguez and Michaels?’ Phil was just as impatient.

‘Nothing. I do not know who those men are. Possibly security for Mr Bennett?’ She offered.

‘It would've come up in our search.’ Skye cut in. You continued turning corners and assessing each corridor searching for anything out of the ordinary. Nothing so far.

‘Then are you sure Mr Bennett is involved? These men sound like they could work for anyone.’ She was still defending her contact.

‘It's one hell of a coincidence if it's nothing to do with Bennett then.’ You found yourself saying. You looked at Phil in apology, he just rolled his eyes in mild annoyance.

You quickly got up to the second floor, just two to go and then the roof. ‘Just let us know if anything comes up Willis.’ Phil said.

There was a click on the comms. ‘She's gone.’ Skye said.

‘Nothing out here so far.’ May said. You turned another corner and looked back to Ohil before setting off again.

‘Nothing here either.’ You came back with. ‘Everything seems normal, Skye how you doing down there?’ There was a faint pause.

‘We’re good, A okay down here boss lady.’ Skye said. You and Phil looked at each other, you knew that was a code phrase. Something was wrong.

‘Okay, maintain check in contact every five minutes, if we don't hear from you for one of those check ins we’ll come for you, we’ll be back soon.’ Phil said in warning to whoever else was there, you waited for the response.

‘Understood.’ Skye said, you could hear the tightness in her voice, like someone had a knife to her throat, the sound was distorted. Both you and Phil took your earpieces out and put them in your pockets, you set your watch to go off every four and a half minutes through a tiny vibration that couldn't be heard.

‘Plan?’ You asked. Phil rubbed his jaw and paced a little.

‘May and Trip will have heard all of that, they'll know what the situation is.’ He said, thinking out loud. ‘We can't contact them over comms or our phones, it'll come up on Skye's laptop and whoever’s down there will know what we’re up to. We need to get a look into that room though.’

There was the sound of running coming from the stairs, you both quickly ducked into another corridor just off of the one you were in and watched as Trip and May turned the corner, everyone pointing their guns at each other, stopping before any triggers were pulled. A mutual sigh was let out and the side arms went away again.

‘We figured you'd be coming up with a plan.’ May said.

‘Trying to.’ You replied.

Phil began pacing again. ‘How do we get a look into the room?’ He asked out loud. Everyone thought for a moment.

‘Doesn't Skye's laptop have a camera on it?’ Trip asked. You nodded realising where he was going. ‘Can't we just hack into it?’

‘Yeah, except our hacker is in the one place we don't want her to be.’ You reminded him.

‘The check in,’ Trip offered. ‘One of us could somehow get it across to her that that's what we want to do and she can tell us what to do?’

‘No ones that stupid Trip.’ You argued.

‘I think it's worth a try.’ May cut in. ‘Coulson? What do you think?’

Phil thought for a moment. ‘Does anyone else feel like we've done this before? Maybe not this exactly, but something similar?’

There was a silence that washed over the group, until it hit you what he talking about. ‘Madrid.’ You said.

‘Yeah, Skye had to talk you through hacking into a vault on an open channel right?’ Phil said, how did he remember that case? He wasn't even on it, it was just you, Skye and May. ‘You can use the same code words for this can't you?’ He asked.

‘Would that even work the same?’ Trip asked. 

‘More than likely. The op was over before it started.’ May assured him. ‘I don't know about using the exact code phrases though.’ She raised an eyebrow at you as you remembered the code phrases used.

‘Why not?’ Phil asked.

There was a moment of awkward silence as May stood aside to let you explain. ‘It wasn't exactly appropriate radio conversation, that's how we got away with it. No one took a second listen when they thought it was just cheap gossip.’

‘You were talking about me.’ Phil realised. He took another moment to think. ‘We need to see what's in that room, just do it. The five minutes are nearly up.’ You could tell Phil was angry behind his mask, but the mission came first and to be honest it was nothing compared to the rage he'd have if anyone was hurt down there. Right on cue your watch began vibrating and you put your earpiece back in and took out your phone waiting for Skye to make contact. 

Everyone took their earpieces out and went about listening for any abnormalities.

‘How’s everyone doing out there?’ Skye's voice came, she was severely pissed off and you could hear it.

‘Trip and I are good. Just checking out a few alleys.’ May said.

‘All good in the hood.’ Trip added.

‘Yeah Phil and I are good too, his earpiece ran out of battery life, he's just checking something out.’ You paused for a moment. ‘How about you? Any sign of anything down there?’ there was a faint pause.

‘Nothing boss lady. All is a okay down here.’ Skye came back. You quickly thought about what to say next.

‘Hey listen, can I get a quick one while Phil's not listening?’ You said hoping she'd take the bait. There was another small pause.

‘Yeah, but be quick if he's coming back soon.’ You could hear the tension rise in her voice. This would be very risky.

‘Well, you know how I told you we talked last night and it got intense, I had to walk away?’

Another pause.

‘Yeah, I remember… You were crying your eyes out.’ She said, you gave the thumbs up to everyone. She was on board.

‘I felt like he was just telling me he didn't ever love me, what if he really meant it?’ You could feel the thick tension between you and Phil and the risky air between you and Skye, honestly it was suffocating.

‘I hear ya baby girl, but you just gotta keep trying, you gotta try and turn yourself into one of those binge talker couples and work through it, it's not easy these days but it'll get better I promise.’ You quickly picked out the code words and phrases and made a list on Phil's phone of what they were.

‘I guess so. Do you not think we’ll run ourselves round in circles though? It's the same conversation over and over again. Nothing changes.’ You said trying desperately not to look at Phil and concentrate on what was being said.

‘It will change and that's when you need to jump on it, it'll be like the fastest roller-coaster in the world and you’ll be in the front seat feeling like it'll crash any second and your world will get turned upside down. Like I said it won't be easy, you might have to take two or three tries, but as long as you have trust and some good timing you'll be fine.’ Again you jotted down the codes and tried to think about what you were missing.

‘Yeah, that makes sense I guess, trust does seem to be our main problem right now… It's so much easier when I don't have to talk to him face to face though, texting is usually when I get my honest words out you know?’ You hoped that she would get all that.

‘Like I said before trust is the biggest problem you'll have in a relationship. As for your talking problem, I suggest adding a little old school romance into the mix and go email just like that movie you've got mail… Anyway baby girl, I got some searches to do, talk later.’ Skye said with a little more tension in her voice. She was being forced off.

‘Yeah Phil's on his way back just now. Talk later.’ You said, thinking hard. You heard a click, took your ear piece out and began looking through the info collected. There was thick silence surrounding the group.

‘Did you get it?’ Trip asked hoping to break the awkwardness. You nodded your head.

‘Yeah got it all, she said that there shouldn't be any firewalls and that she's going to disable what she can, but it'll be pretty risky on her end.’

Trip raised his eyebrows at you. ‘And you wonder why us men can't understand you women folk.’ He said checking out the hallway. You just continued shifting through the info trying to piece together what you could. You saw May look between you and Phil before she finally spoke.

‘Trip and I will check out the rest of the hotel.’ She said, she didn't get a response and you knew it was because Phil was angry. May and Trip wandered off before Phil let his feelings known.

‘What info did you get?’ He asked with a tone laced in rage. You still couldn't bear to look at him.

‘The code words were ‘eyes out’ means she currently isn't using the webcam program.’ You said still trying to shift through, making sure you didn't miss anything. ‘I think it needs to be opened for us to access it. The next one was ‘baby girl’ and ‘binge talker couples’ the password is ‘woman chat’ twice. After that she told us that she'd added extra security on her laptop by saying that it wasn't easy but it'll get better, meaning she'll try to disable what she can, but again it'll be pretty risky.’

‘I don't suppose she told us anything about who else was in the room?’ Phil asked, his rage cooling slightly.

‘Yeah at the end she told us about the searches, it's Rodriguez and Michaels, no one else.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘If there was someone else there, she would've said something like, ‘searches and related stuff’ indicating that Bennett was there as well. But she didn't… The next thing was possible traps that would set off any alarms, she said there was a program to stop hackers breaking in but a possible opening that we’d have to identify and type in the password, ‘monster Gregor Novak’ she said it might take a couple tries, but no more than three before we will to come up with a new plan as the program was designed to change with intrusion.’

‘Okay, what now?’ Phil folded his arms and for the first time you looked at him.

‘Just need to get the green light from Skye that she's disabled everything on her end, before I go ahead with it.’ You held up your phone showing Phil that you'd successfully hacked the program and were ready to go online. You watched his face remain unimpressed. You knew exactly why he was unhappy with you. ‘Look, it was five months ago, half of what I said I didn't mean, I was just getting information for the vault.’

Phil just looked at you unconvinced. ‘We’ll talk about this later; at length.’ He added. You felt your watch vibrate again for the next check in and for the first time you knew what it was like to fear Phil Coulson. He had a look that said he was ready to punch you at any given moment.

You got the green light from Skye and could finally see what was going on in the room. May and Trip soon returned and gave the all clear. You could see that one of the glass doors was smashed to pieces, possible entry point, though by the look of Fitz’s face, he tried to get a shot in and paid the price for it. Jemma was terrified, but Skye seemed to be doing a lot of talking constantly, maybe trying to keep them distracted while rescue came. 

You and Trip took the inside entrance, while May and Phil went around to the broken glass door, you waited for the signal. Trip had a fire extinguisher ready to break open the door, from what you could hear one of the men was just on the opposite side of that door. You knew that either Phil or May would try to take him down so that you could enter, so you a Trip stood either side of the door frame to allow for it.

You heard a shot go off and you hesitated for a second to enter, which was a second too long for a bullet not to be tearing through the door between you. Trip thrust the extinguisher into the door handle and you took your gun out to enter, another shot went off, Trip took down Michaels from behind and held a gun to the back of his head while May had her foot on Rodriguez’ neck pinning him to the floor. Phil wiped away a trickle of blood from his mouth and began untying Skye, you immediately went over to Fitzsimmons and checked them for any serious injuries, nothing as far as you could see. You breathed a sigh of relief.

‘Are you okay?’ Jemma asked you, trying to get a look at your arm. When you looked at it, you noticed that there was a cut across it, where a bullet had torn through your flesh.

‘Yeah, I'm good. It's not bad.’ You assured her, she turned her attention back to Fitz who had blood trailing down from his head. He'd been hit hard for whatever he had tried to do with the gun.

 

You had all gone back to the bus and put the two mercenaries in interrogation rooms, Phil and May had taken the lead on the interrogations and Trip was assisting Jemma in stitching up Fitz and Skye was doing her best to clean up your cut.

‘So… Madrid?’ She asked.

‘Funny enough Phil was the one who brought it up.’ You responded, flinching at the sting in your arm.

‘Sorry.’ Skye said trying a different approach. ‘He wasn't even handling that mission, how did he know?’

‘Guess he does actually read the reports we hand in. Who'd have thought right?’ You chuckled.

The was a small silence between you.

‘At least it was cleaner than last time.’ Skye chuckled trying to end the awkward silence.

‘Yeah, I tried to keep it vague.’ You admitted. ‘Especially as he was standing right there, breathing down my neck.’

‘How's it going with you two anyway?’

You half shrugged. ‘It was okay for a while and then I needed to hack into your computer. He wasn't happy.’

‘Well, I hope it gets better. You're a much better agent when you're happy.’ Skye took out a needle and thread and took a deep breath, before changing her mind and getting the glue. 

‘Good idea.’ You chuckled. You watched as skye confidently applied the glue to your wound. ‘Thanks for the birthday by the way.’

‘Hey, no problem.’ She put the glue down and inspected her work. ‘It's good to have a night to relax once in a blue moon.’

‘Yeah.’ You jumped down from the bench and picked up your hoodie. ‘How's the leg?’ You asked.

‘Well, it would've been much better if tweedle dum hadn't stood on it when they got into the room.’ Skye said pissed off. You just laughed and both began to leave the medical bay casually glancing at a struggling Fitz.

Skye sat down with her laptop and began working. Your legs were still sore from the barbed wire so you stood against the platform and continued your work for the linguistics department while you waited for the verdict from Phil and May.


	3. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've actually written the first eight chapters of this part and I'm uploading them when im satisfied that you guys will enjoy them as much as possible, hopefully everything I've been working on will be uploaded tonight, but bear with me, it'll take a while to double check for mistakes and ensure everything is at expectation or better. Enjoy!

No one saw Phil or May until late that evening when the rest of you were relaxing on the edge of the bus with a cooler. You watched the sun set in the sky and laughed about what you had done the night before after consuming half the bottle of vodka you'd gotten for your birthday. You refused to get the rest of it out, citing that knowing your luck the hangover will be worse and there will be another life threatening mission to go on.

Fitz and Jemma continued to bicker about his wound that had been covered by a bandage, for the only reason that he couldn't stop picking at it. Trip kept them under control while you and Skye laid back and closed your eyes taking in the last of the sun before it descended entirely past the horizon. 

You heard two sets of footsteps and some loud voices coming up behind you. ‘It doesn't matter now!’ You heard Phil yell, and that was the end of that. You and Skye sat up and everyone turned to see the two of them severely pissed off approaching the edge of the bus.

‘Jackson Bennett is dead.’ He said in his usual commanding tone. The one that scared the hell out of you. ‘They thought we’d killed him and came to get their revenge. They thought we were HYDRA posing as SHIELD agents to get the information Bennett was going to give us.’

‘But it looks more like someone tried to kill two birds with one stone.’ May cut in. ‘Kill Bennett for the information and take out some SHIELD agents in the process.’

‘Skye, make a call to HQ and get them to send a team to take our guests elsewhere, I want them off my bus.’ Phil ordered. Skye got up immediately and limped to make the call. ‘Trip I want to know as much as possible about these two, all known associates, locations and networks they might be involved in. May, you and Fitzsimmons will make sure the bus is ready to leave in a moments notice.’ Trip, May and Fitzsimmons all went about their orders and it was just you and Phil left alone. He gave you a look and went to walk away.

‘Phil-‘ you tried as you got up to go after him.

‘Don't.’ He stopped you. ‘Don't say whatever it is you're about to say. I don't want to hear it.’ 

‘I really think you're overreacting here, half of what I said I didn't mean.’ You said angrily. He strode right up to you and looked you in the eye.

‘No, I'm under reacting.’ He breathed heavily. ‘I remember Madrid, I remember telling you only a few days before that I was still in love with you and you ran. You ran away and I was left alone not knowing what I was supposed to do next because you wouldn't talk to me and tell me. You say you didn't mean half of what you said, that's fine. But what about the other half? The half you did mean? Did you mean it when you told Skye on an open channel that you believed I didn't love you? Did you really cry after we had that conversation? The one when I told you point blank how I felt and that there was nothing I wanted more in this world than you. What about when you said we were running ourselves in circles and nothing will change? Because as far as I was aware that's all I'm doing for you.’

‘Phil.’ You said quietly. ‘I couldn’t talk to you back then because I knew this would happen. I knew you'd question every single thing I did and said on that mission and try to find answers where there were no questions. I believed that you loved me, I believed that you wanted to change for me, but you weren't there in Madrid. You were off comms like you had been for an entire month when I needed you and I told you that. I told you that I needed you and you shut me down… Why do I feel like we’re having the same conversation over and over again? There's no end here.’ You watched as Phil's expression softened a little, not all the way, but enough that you could see him thinking about everything you'd said. ‘I never stopped loving you, that is a fact. But I felt like you didn't trust me, so why say that?’

Phil turned away and thought for a moment. You just watched him, hoping that he could see that you were telling the truth. You knew you loved him, you'd spent a day repairing the damage of eight months and it felt like all that work was just a waste of time.

‘I can't keep doing this.’ He said. He turned back to you, with that pained expression. ‘I can't keep making progress and then throwing it all away like this. It's too painful.’

‘What do we do then?’ You asked. 

Phil walked back up to you and closed the space so that you could feel his warm breath on your lips. ‘We need to make a choice.’ He frowned a little. ‘Do we keep trying and risk more pain or do we just call it quits?’

It was the question that had been hanging over your head for eight months, Phil never knew it, but you had been debating with yourself if all of this pain and anger was really worth it.

‘Tell me you want me.’ He begged.

‘I don't think that's ever been the issue Phil. You know I want you.’ You felt that lump in your throat form again. ‘I'm never going to stop being in love with you… What about you?’

‘Sweetheart.’ Phil closed the gap entirely, and stroked your cheek. He leaned down and pressed his lips to yours, a desperate need over taking you both, a need that was left unsatisfied. You felt his hand snake around your waist as your hands travelled up his strong back. ‘I wish you could see how much it hurts when you ask me that.’ He whispered against your lips. ‘What do I have to do to prove it once and for all?’ 

‘I don't know Phil.’ You admitted, desperately fighting back the tears. ‘I don't know… I'm just tired of being angry.’

You felt him smile against you. ‘Then let me make you happy.’ He pleaded. ‘Let me try.’ He placed more kisses on your lips and down your jaw, you could feel him losing control of his emotions, but always stopping before then.

You heard footsteps coming towards you and Phil pulled away trying to compose himself. You turned away, wiping your eyes and trying to seem as normal as possible.

‘The team are on their way.’ Skye said. ‘They've been briefed.’

‘Good.’ You could hear Phil's commanding voice come back. ‘Help Trip narrow the search for possible suspects.’

‘Sure.’ You heard hesitation before Skye walked away.

Phil came up behind you and placed his hands on your hips and kissed your cheek. ‘I have to deal with this.’ He said. ‘Do you want to talk later?’

‘I don't know what more to say.’ You sniffed. ‘I've got work to do as well.’ You could feel him deflate a little. You turned into him and kissed him with everything you had. When you pulled away you smiled and stroked his stubbly jaw, it felt nice, kind of rugged and tough. He gave you another chaste kiss before you said: ‘I'm not running away, I promise.’ You assured him, he smiled widely and held you tight.

You pulled away and wandered further into the bus to get on with your work. You had all the time in the world repair the damage with Phil.


	4. Rome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay it's about to step up in intensity here guys. Enjoy!

Finding time to talk in the following weeks proved to be more difficult than you had anticipated. You had handed over the Bennett case to Willis to handle, but you were being kept in the loop at all times and now you were on your way to Italy for a simple collection mission before heading to HQ for another two week break, something you and Phil were both looking forward to as it gave you an opportunity to relax and spend some much needed time together.

You had woken early that morning, a particularly vicious nightmare had forced you to wake up and head down for a quick work out before the rest of the bus came to life. You had been training harder and harder over the last few weeks and it was showing. You felt fitter, stronger and more agile in your abilities and soon you were sparring against Trip and putting up one hell of a fight. 

You punched out your frustrations against a bag until a noise startled you out of your trance. You turned to see Phil in his work out gear frowning a little. ‘You're up early?’ He said wrapping his hands with tape.

‘Couldn't sleep.’ You said and continued to punch the bag, sweat was building up heavily on your forehead.

‘I see.’ Phil said understanding. You were getting pretty tired and decided to stop and let him have the bag. ‘How long you been up?’

‘Couple hours.’ You shrugged unwrapping your own tape from your hands. 

‘If you wanted company, you should've woken me up.’ He said warming up. ‘I could’ve helped.’

‘I needed to be alone Phil.’ You said almost apologetically. You wiped your face and put your plain black hoodie on. 

‘We touch down in Rome in three hours.’ You could see that Phil was holding back something he wanted to say, knowing that now was probably not the time to be talking about your relationship. 

You felt bad for shunning him while you were frustrated so wandered over to him, taking his hand and placing it carefully on your hip. He smiled and ran his thumb over your hipbone, you leaned up to kiss him gently, just enough to apologise for being a little short with him, but not enough to invite anything else, neither of you were anywhere near ready for that. 

‘I'm going for a shower.’ You told him, and accidentally bit down on your lip. Phil sucked in a breath as his gaze darkened and gently pried your lip away from your teeth.

‘A man could see that as an invite to join you.’ Phil used his soft silky voice that melted your core. He placed a heated kiss on your lips, letting his hand wander down to your waist and pulling you in tighter. ‘But unfortunately there isn't enough time before we touch down for that.’ You felt him smile against you and it made you laugh.

You pulled away and picked up your bag still smiling stupidly. ‘I'll have to take you up on that offer at some point.’ You winked and walked away glancing back to see him smiling as well.

 

Finally you touched down in Rome. You and Skye were the ones to carry out the pick up of a VIP in one of the safe houses, Phil was on comms and Trip was there to drive you back to the bus. ‘It should be a cake walk.’ He said. You and Skye exchanged a look between you in the back of the van.

‘We've heard that before.’ Skye said. You continued to make your way towards the safe house.

You jumped out and Trip drove off, circling the block. ‘Agent Romanov is holding the VIP on the first floor East side.’ Phil said over the comms. You had an earpiece for Romanov in your pocket and she’d be hitching a ride back to HQ with you on the bus. 

You made your way up to the first floor and found Romanov, looking exhausted. She greeted you in Russian and shook Skye's hand. ‘Long time no see.’ She said.

‘Yeah, it's been too long.’ You replied in Russian. You handed her an earpiece.

‘English please.’ Phil reminded you both. ‘Not all of us speak Russian.’

‘Sorry Coulson. Just catching up.’ Romanov winked at you. There was a sudden noise from downstairs, someone had entered the safe house. You shook your head at Romanov, none of you were expecting company. 

You took out your side arm and motioned for Skye to ensure the VIP was secure, you and Romanov went to investigate the noise. You could hear someone calling out: ‘father! Father!’ The small voice called. It was a boy calling for his father, he was speaking Dutch and sounded desperate.

You and Romanov exchanged looks. ‘What do we do?’ You asked, this was her call.

‘You speak Dutch?’ She asked. You nodded. ‘Go talk to him. See if you can get him to leave.’

‘Be careful.’ You heard Phil cut in.

You put your side arm out of sight and carefully walked down the stairs. ‘Hello?’ You called.

‘Father?’ The voice called, you turned a corner to see a twelve year old boy who had been crying heavily. He had a gun strapped to his body and was holding it tight against him. ‘Where is my father?’ He cried.

‘Who is your father?’ You were being very careful not to provoke the boy in anyway, but he was shaking and hysterical.

‘Silvan Robben. Please tell me where he is!’

‘Silvan Robben is the VIP.’ Romanov said over the radio.

‘What's your name?’ You asked, taking a small step towards the boy.

‘Daniel Robben. Please tell me what you have done with my father!’ He shouted. You could see his grip on the gun tightening.

‘Guys we can hear you up here.’ Skye called.

‘Daniel,’ you said calmly. ‘Put the gun down and I'll take you to your father.’

‘Take me to him now!’ He refused to put the gun down, putting you on edge.

‘Not until I'm sure that no one is going to get hurt here, Daniel.’

‘Take me to him! Please don't make me kill you.’ He pleaded. ‘I've done it before.’ Your heart shattered for this poor broken boy who just wanted his father back.

‘We’re not giving up Robben.’ Romanov reminded you.

‘Daniel, I can't give you what you want, not until I get what I want. I need you to put the gun down.’ You went to take another step toward him, but stepped back again when he flinched with the gun in hand. ‘Easy! Just take it easy, Daniel.’

‘If you don't give me my father… I'll shoot you.’ He stuttered.

‘I believe you, okay I believe you want to shoot me.’ You tried to reason with him. ‘But that's not going to get your father back okay, so you need to stay calm for me. Just take a breath and let's work something out.’

The sound of footsteps above you was enough to send Daniel back into panic mode. He held the gun to fire a shot and missed you by inches. You quickly drew your side arm and stood firm. ‘Hey! Hey! Calm down.’ You gritted your teeth. The noise above continued and Daniel’s panic grew more violent, he kept switching his gaze.

‘We’re running out of time to move Robben.’ Romanov said calmly. 

‘Daniel.’ You could feel sweat building on your skin. ‘Let me talk to my people and see what I can do. Can you let me do that?’ 

The boy nodded. You lowered your gun just enough not to appear too threatening, but you could easily bring it up again.

‘He just wants to see his father.’ You spoke in English again. ‘It's Robben’s son, he's got a gun and he's panicking. I can only keep him calm for so long. From what I can tell he's already killed for his father.’

‘Damn it!’ Phil came across the radio. ‘Is he threatening you with the gun?’

‘Yes… He's no more than twelve Phil.’ You pleaded.

There was a deafening silence that fell on the radio. ‘Guys we need to make a decision.’ Skye broke the silence. ‘Robben can hear his son and I can't hold him for much longer, we need to move!’

‘I'm not killing a scared twelve year old boy who just wants his father.’ You said firmly. The silence fell again.

‘You might not have a choice.’ Romanov sighed.

‘We have a choice! We always have a choice!’ You could feel fury over taking you and you struggled to keep calm. ‘What are my options?’ You demanded.

The sound of the van pulling up outside was the only thing that mattered at that moment. Daniel was hysterical, he was crying and shaking enough that his control was slipping fast. You watched as his eyes widened for just a split second as he looked up behind you, Robben was on the move and for some reason all sound eluded you, all you knew was that Daniel was moving towards you with his gun now pointed at your face. You watched his trigger finger tightened as another shot went off.

His body crumpled on the floor and a single trickle of blood ran down his forehead, your arms slowly dropped to your sides and you found that use of your legs escaped you. All you had was a crippling pain in your thigh and a broken man screaming for his son behind you. Romanov picked you up off of the ground and carried you to the front of the van. You'd shot him, you'd shot him and you couldn't understand why, your memory was immediately foggy and out of sync with everything else.

 

You were taken immediately to Simmons who gave your thigh the attention it needed. You were in a state of shock, only the image of Daniel Robben lying on the floor of a safe house in the middle of Rome in your mind. You heard the screams of Silvan as he was dragged past you to be taken to the interrogation room. You saw Phil panicking over you and Romanov trying to keep him calm. You tried to focus on what was being said, but it was no use. Nothing was making sense anymore and a huge part of you just didn't care.


	5. There Are No Quick Fixes...

You were still fuzzy on the details, you tried hard to figure out step by step what had happened, the moment your gun came back up, the fraction of a second that the bullet tore through your thigh. But there was nothing, nothing but empty space, a void that was desperate to be filled. 

You were rushed to the medical facility in HQ and Phil had been holding your hand the whole way, though we're sure you couldn't feel it. You looked down to see blood spattered over his crisp white shirt and up his arms, it must've been a bad shot that caught you. You watched the lights above you speed by, feeling a sense of peace wash over you as you thought about Daniel Robben. What had you done? You saw a crying child who had killed for the chance to see his father again. Had you saved him? From a life of cruel choices? Or had you simply panicked and caused a man unnecessary pain and heart break?

You could see doctors prepping you for surgery, though you didn't know what for and let the anaesthetic claim you.

 

You were finally free to leave the hospital a few days later after you had proved you were healing at a good rate. The shot had been a lot cleaner than anyone thought and it hadn't hit anything important, just muscle. 

Phil took you home in Lola and a heavy silence had set over you. He had been there for at least an hour everyday during your brief recovery, he'd had a lot of work to do and Fury breathing down his neck at letting you get hurt, but he always found time to bring you something of interest, a case file or a piece of news that you'd like and it kept you occupied and your mind busy. 

Phil gave you as little help as possible in actually getting into your apartment, until you really needed it. You finally sat down on your sofa and relaxed a little. ‘Do you want me to order Chinese?’ Phil asked. You weren’t sure if you were hungry or not so you just nodded and sighed, you turned on the tv and just watched it in silence until the food came.

You had spoken to Dr Wright during your recovery and it was normal for you to feel like you did. But how could this be normal? You didn't feel anything. No sorrow, nor pain, disgust, anger… Nothing.

‘When are you next seeing Dr Wright?’ Phil asked, startling you out of your trance for a moment.

‘Need to call him tomorrow.’ You mumbled, adjusting into a more comfortable position.

‘Is there anything you want me to do before I leave?’ 

Your head span round. ‘You're leaving?’

‘Well… Yeah… I thought you might want to be alone.’ He said shuffling a little closer to you. Phil had been sitting at the other end of the sofa for the entirety of the evening, unsure of what he was supposed to do. ‘I can stay if you want me to though?’ He tried a smile, but you couldn't find the right motivation to smile back, so you simply nodded and went back to watching tv.

It hadn't been easy over the two week break, you found living in that apartment without Phil there hard. He was always there when you went to bed and mostly took you to and from HQ when you had a sit down session with Dr Wright. But when he went in alone that's exactly how you felt. A suffocating loneliness that you couldn't battle, you got restless and often paced through every room in your apartment, just cleaning up the odd thing here and there to keep yourself occupied. It was only when Phil would text you that he was on his way that you'd calm down and relax back into watching tv.

You had made several calls to the linguistics department asking if there was anything you could help with, but they pretty much told you to beat it until your two weeks were up. They meant well but you found it hard to appreciate their concern for you. You had taken to learning a couple of new languages you became so bored and even taught Phil a little Russian, just so he could stand a chance of keeping up with Romanov. But none of that seemed to settle that hole inside of you, it only gave you a craving for something you didn't know and gave you more frustration.

You hadn't seen Hill or Fury in the two weeks you were off until the bus was ready to leave and Fury pulled you to one side. You could feel the twinge in your thigh, you had been healing really well thanks to some new medical technology that allowed your body to work at least triple the rate it would normal heal. Fitzsimmons had been ecstatic and soon learnt how to make the drug on the bus and administer it properly, they also pointed out a lot of flaws and set about fixing them, but they were happy.

‘I spoke with Dr Wright.’ Fury said out of earshot of the rest of your team. ‘He says that you seem fine as far as your mental health goes and that was a slightly worrying factor. I also spoke with Agent Coulson, he says your restless and… Occupied.’ Fury’s eyebrow raised at you.

‘I didn't realise that being productive with my time was annoying you sir.’ The words were already out before you could stop them, you didn't know quite where the attitude had come from. It took Fury by surprise as well, his good eye widened more than you'd ever seen before.

‘I'd be very careful with that attitude if I were you.’ He warned. ‘The bus leaves in ten minutes. You'd better get going.’ You could see his anger bubbling so you decided not to respond and just limp towards the plane. 

You didn't look but you could feel Fury’s eye on your back as you climbed up the ramp and disappeared inside the bus to your bunk. 

You were jetting off to Australia for a few days to do some Intel gathering and then you were pretty sure it was back to Hawaii. The linguistics department had sent you over some stuff to work on with your newly learnt languages and it seemed everything was settling back to normality… Apart from the fact that everyone on that bus was looking at you in a strange way, you had a large black hole in your chest that you couldn't fill and you still hadn't gotten the chance to speak to Phil about anything. You slumped down on you bed and sighed, closing your eyes and letting sleep take you.


	6. ...Only Good Deeds

A month had passed and the nightmares had gotten more violent, your leg was completely healed and your training had resumed. You could feel your body getting stronger still and it felt good in the mornings when you were up early and took out frustration on the treadmill, sprinting for longer and longer periods of time or when you were training against a punching bag. The hole in your chest felt a little more full every session that went by, but it would always end with you crying in the shower where no one could see or hear you. 

You knew your breaking point would come sooner or later and it did, a mission in Los Angeles made sure of that.

You and Skye had infiltrated an office building that was a possibly HYDRA lab, you had taken down most of the guards delving deeper into the building when an explosion caused you both to turn back and get out of the burning building. The floor began caving in and you had tripped on a piece of the wall that had crashed down in front of you. Skye grabbed your hand and stopped you from falling three stories into the flames below.

You finally found the exit and fell out of it with Skye, Phil checked you over quickly for any serious injuries. Just a few cuts and scrapes, you were fine. ‘What the hell happened in there?’ May shouted at you.

‘Comms went down and we found a bomb set to go off in one of the rooms.’ Skye briefly said through the coughing.

‘You okay?’ Phil asked, worry knitted in the lines on his face. You nodded and got up brushing the dirt from your clothes, wishing you had worn a body armour jacket to soften the falls you took.

You all turned to the sound of screaming just a little way down the road. The fire had spread to an apartment building and it was burning to the ground. You were the first to run towards it with Skye hot on your heels followed by Phil and May.

‘Please! Please help us!’ A woman cried. The building was only four stories high and it looked like it looked pretty worn down from the outside. ‘Please, my grandparents are in there. Please help them!’

You exchanged a glance with Skye and neither of you thought twice, you bolted into the building while May contacted Fitz to radio the fire department. Phil followed you, all of you finding something to cover your faces with to stop too much smoke entering your lungs.

‘I'll take the top floor and work my way back down.’ You yelled and before they could say anything you ran to find a way up. The flames licking at your body, but you didn't care, you could hear screaming from at least four apartments on your floor. You kicked down one of the doors closest to you and found a child screaming at the top of her lungs trying to wake up her father who was presumably dead. You checked for a pulse, it was faint but it was there. The man was twice your size and the fire was spreading into the apartment. 

You could hear shouting from the next room, you picked up the screaming child and sprinted to open it up. A couple trapped by a fallen beam, they looked strong enough to carry the child's father out of the building. You put her down against one of the walls and said ‘stay here, I'm going to get them to help your dad okay?’ She nodded and stayed put.

You couldn't move the beam with your own strength alone, so you grabbed a fallen plank of wood and wedged it in to lift the beam enough for the couple to dart out. ‘Hey!’ You called. ‘There's a man in that room he needs help!’ You shouted over the flames and picked up the young girl. The couple followed you into the apartment and saw the man. ‘He's alive! Get him out, use the back stairs you should be fine! Just follow me!’ They did as they were told and picked the man up to take him with you. You led them into the back stairs and kept telling them how well they were doing, it was just a little further.

Finally you found the exit and you all piled out into the arms of the fire department and the ambulance service. Phil and Skye had already gotten out and Skye handed you an oxygen mask, you took as many breaths as you could before you thought back to the other apartments that you could hear screaming from. You ran back in with Skye and Phil calling after you.

Back up the stairs and to the top floor, you heard an explosion in one of the apartments below and ignored it being aware that it was on the other side of where you were heading. You opened up an apartment and found a teenage boy holding his baby brother. You got him to the back stairs and told him to keep moving down, someone was waiting at the exit for him. You soon cleared the top floor finding a woman with a broken leg unable to get out of bed. You got her to the exit and out of the building before running in again to clear the third floor. 

You found the grandparents and a couple of men to help get them out. And the third floor was clear. The second floor had a three year old holding his shaking and barking puppy in the corner of his bedroom. You picked them both up and ran out to find the parents. You handed him over and took another couple of breaths from an oxygen tank. You could feel your legs tiring quickly, but you knew you heard one more scream in that building that you had to find. It was on the first floor. 

An eight year old boy dragging his mother across the floor of his living room, she had a large cut on her head and wasn't waking up, there was a pulse. You picked her up and ushered him to lead the way out towards the exit. Finally everyone was out, no one else was screaming for loved ones, everyone was reunited and Phil grabbed your arm to face him, he was filled with rage but it soon melted away when you broke down in tears. You couldn't control it, finally everything that happened in Rome came flooding back and the hole in your chest was filling. That anger, the blinding rage that you hadn't felt before was there and Phil knew it. He held you and just let you cry.

‘I know sweetheart, I know.’ He kept saying over and over again.

 

You weren't sure how long you cried for, but you felt sleep shrouding your vision, you didn't put up much of a fight and only woke to Phil carrying you to your hotel room. He put you down and wiped away any reminding tears. He leaned down and kissed your forehead, you knew he was still angry, but you could feel your own rage sitting in the centre of your chest like a tiny ball of fire ready to lash out at any second.

‘Please stay with me.’ You whimpered, you could see his heart wrench for a moment and took his body armour off to climb in next to you. You rested your head on his chest and let your body start to recover from the day. ‘I love you, Phil.’ You said as your eyes slowly drifted shut.

You weren't sure how long you had been asleep for but waking up with Phil's arms wrapped around you was the only thing that mattered, you you turned over to face him and found he was just waking up. He watched you for a moment through sleepy eyes and gave a half smile. He wanted this, he wanted to wake up next to you everyday, it had become habit in the two week break to find Phil gently waking you up so that you didn't have to wake up alone anymore.

‘Hi.’ He whispered. 

‘Hey.’ You whispered back, you voice was sore and scratchy in your throat. Phil kissed your forehead like he had done before and got up to grab you a glass of water. You sat up and felt you body burn with ache, you looked at the time. It was nearly three in the morning.

Phil came back, handed you the glass and went about taking his tie and shirt off so that he was left in his white t shirt and trousers. He removed his belt and placed everything carefully over a chair at the side of the room.

You took a few gulps of the cool water and let Phil slide back in next to you. He wore a small frown as he ran through his thoughts. ‘I know you're angry-‘

‘I'm not angry.’ He interrupted, he never interrupted you, not for any reason. ‘I mean I was angry, I was furious. I don't think I've felt like that in a long time. Now I'm just confused and upset.’ He took a breath and looked at you. ‘I'm trying to work out why on earth you would run into a burning building without a second thought… You came out, you were so tired, on the verge of breaking and you ran back in before anyone could catch you. You didn't stop, or slow down you just ran as fast as you could and kept running.’ Phil put his arm around you and continued. ‘I'm trying to figure it out, I assumed that maybe you just lost your mind and that Rome was harder than you were letting on, which none of us would be surprised at, we'd understand. But you just didn't stop, I shouted for you, we all did and it's like you didn't hear anything, you just focused and kept going. I don't understand sweetheart. Please tell me what I'm missing.’ Phil was begging you to explain it.

You couldn't work it out either, all you knew was that you couldn't leave until the screams stopped, until everyone had their families with them. ‘I feel like… There was a big black hole in my chest, I can't explain it.’ You finished the water and snuggled into Phil's chest, you could hear his heart beating under his rib cage, it was soothing. ‘I've felt empty for the last month and now I feel different, I feel full and like I should feel after doing what I did. I don't know if that makes any sense though.’ You placed your hand on Phil's hard stomach, feeling the muscles underneath his t shirt and ran it up to his chest, you could feel the outline of the scar you knew was in the centre of his chest.

‘I know what it's like to feel a hole in your chest.’ He said quietly. ‘I got that scar just before the battle of New York… I've never told you this story before have I?’ You shook you head. ‘Well… I was killed, by Loki. He stabbed me straight through my heart, I don't remember much pain towards the end, just an empty feeling that wouldn't go away. They used project TAHITI to bring me back, but that hole was still there… Sometimes I can still feel it, I felt it when we were working things out. But when we made love that night, I had never felt so full in my life, it was almost painful, I just felt everything I know I could feel all at once and it reminded me of how alive I was.’ Phil was being excruciatingly honest with you and it hurt to know that he had such demons in his past. But there was something in your mutual honesty that gave you both something to hold on to. 

‘I'm sorry.’ You said, you weren't even sure if you knew what you were sorry for, it just felt like something to say. ‘I felt the same… That night, I felt like everything slotted into place and it was exactly what I needed… Can I ask you a question?’

‘Of course you can.’ Phil kissed the top of your head.

‘Do you think my parents were like this? Do you think they found it hard to be together?’ You were looking for an honest answer and Phil had never disappointed you before now, but you could feel him struggling with himself.

‘It was harder than you know. I've known your parents for a long time, too long maybe.’ He chuckled. ‘I was always the youngest of the group, but I could see that they struggled to put aside everything that happened in the field and concentrate on their relationship, on being happy with each other. I think this job was designed for lonely people, to give them an excuse to be lonely.’

‘I would agree.’ You chuckled. It was the first time you'd laughed in so long and it felt so good. ‘I'm glad it worked out, it gives me hope.’ You said.

‘Me too.’ Phil whispered and held you tighter.

You stayed silent for a while, just holding each other. ‘I think I need to talk to Dr Wright.’

‘Yeah, I think we both do.’ Phil said. ‘Do you want to go back to sleep or stay awake with me?’ 

‘I want to stay with you.’ Your voice was still a little scratchy and your throat was sore. ‘But I think I want to take a shower first.’ You felt Phil chuckle a little and kiss your head. 

You moved to get up out of bed, but your legs were shaking, your body was tired and heavy. Phil watched you struggle to the bathroom with a small smile on his face. ‘Need some help?’ You could tell he was mocking you a little, but you nodded anyway as you held yourself up against the door frame. 

Phil came up behind you and helped you into the bathroom. You watched him turn the shower on for you and then turn back to you. He brushed his fingers around the hem of your torn vest and lifted it carefully over your head, you could see him admiring you out of the corner of his eye. Phil looked you in the eyes and unbuttoned your cargo trousers, sliding them over your hips, his warm hands a welcome feeling on your bruised and tender skin.

‘You want to kiss me don't you?’ You said to him, as he reached around your back for your bra, he let his fingers drift around the area for a moment before responding.

‘Sweetheart, how do you not know by now?’ He unhooked your bra and never took his gaze from your eyes. ‘I always want to kiss you.’ Phil took your bra off and discarded it on the floor. He leaned down just enough that you could feel his breath on your mouth, you wanted him to kiss you so badly, you wanted to feel those soft warm lips caressing yours with everything he had. But he stopped before you could feel it.

‘What's wrong?’ You asked. You were worried that maybe you'd done something in that short space of time to make him stop wanting you.

‘Sweetheart, you really have no idea of what you do to me.’ He whispered against you, his hands on your hips again, playing with the line of your underwear. ‘If I kiss you now, I'll want more and you're already in a lot of pain, I don't want to hurt you.’ He could feel your chest deflate. You couldn't lose this moment with Phil, this precious moment that only came around once in a blue moon.

‘Please Phil.’ You pleaded with him. ‘Please kiss me.’ You leaned up a little and could feel his lips brushing yours.

He tried to resist for just a moment before giving in completely and kissing you with everything he had. His lips were exactly as you remembered them, warm and inviting, his tongue drifting lightly over your bottom lips, eliciting a moan from your throat. He snaked his arm around your waist and gently pulled you up into him, you felt his biceps tightened as he tried to stop himself wanting more from you. The kissing became less intense, his grip soon loosened and you felt a sense of emptiness swallow you up. Phil placed another kiss on your lips and his breathing was returning to normal.

‘I can't.’ You heard him whisper against you. ‘I can't stop wanting you, but I can't hurt you.’

‘Phil.’ You said exasperated. ‘This is what I want. I want you.’ You held him against you and watched as he searched your face for any sign of doubt. When he found none he smiled. He kissed you quickly before taking a step back and stripping his shirt off. You admired his body for a moment, his strong chest, his hard stomach, perfectly sculpted arms and you loved him. You loved him more than anyone you had ever known, you loved this man that gave you everything, he made you feel everything and you knew that finally in your heart, this could work out.

He took a step back towards you and looked down your body for a split moment before looking back into your eyes, you could see his eyes were fully dilated and it caught you off guard. You bit down on your lip and heard him suck in a breath. ‘You look incredibly sexy when you do that.’ He said, and pried your lip away like he always did, but this time he took it between his own teeth and brought a moan from your chest. That was your undoing and nothing was going to stop you from making love to this man under the hot shower…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, bonus sexy times in the next chapter... You've been warned ;P


	7. Once In a Blue Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay I tried to make it about how much they need each other... We'll see if it turns out that way!

‘What's wrong?’ You asked. You were worried that maybe you'd done something in that short space of time to make him stop wanting you.

‘Sweetheart, you really have no idea of what you do to me.’ He whispered against you, his hands on your hips again, playing with the line of your underwear. ‘If I kiss you now, I'll want more and you're already in a lot of pain, I don't want to hurt you.’ He could feel your chest deflate. You couldn't lose this moment with Phil, this precious moment that only came around once in a blue moon.

‘Please Phil.’ You pleaded with him. ‘Please kiss me.’ You leaned up a little and could feel his lips brushing yours.

He tried to resist for just a moment before giving in completely and kissing you with everything he had. His lips were exactly as you remembered them, warm and inviting, his tongue drifting lightly over your bottom lips, eliciting a moan from your throat. He snaked his arm around your waist and gently pulled you up into him, you felt his biceps tightened as he tried to stop himself wanting more from you. The kissing became less intense, his grip soon loosened and you felt a sense of emptiness swallow you up. Phil placed another kiss on your lips and his breathing was returning to normal.

‘I can't.’ You heard him whisper against you. ‘I can't stop wanting you, but I can't hurt you.’

‘Phil.’ You said exasperated. ‘This is what I want. I want you.’ You held him against you and watched as he searched your face for any sign of doubt. When he found none he smiled. He kissed you quickly before taking a step back and stripping his shirt off. You admired his body for a moment, his strong chest, his hard stomach, perfectly sculpted arms and you loved him. You loved him more than anyone you had ever known, you loved this man that gave you everything, he made you feel everything and you knew that finally in your heart, this could work out.

He took a step back towards you and looked down your body for a split moment before looking back into your eyes, you could see his eyes were fully dilated and it caught you off guard. You bit down on your lip and heard him suck in a breath. ‘You look incredibly sexy when you do that.’ He said, and pried your lip away like he always did, but this time he took it between his own teeth and brought a moan from your chest. That was your undoing and nothing was going to stop you from making love to this man under the hot shower…

Phil began trailing kisses down your jaw and neck, occasionally scraping his teeth over the tender skin, making you feel incredible. One of his hands slid down and gently squeezed your arse, pulling you closer, while his other hand was in your hair. 

You wanted more, more touching, more contact, more Phil. But you knew only one thing would satisfy your need. 

Phil moaned into your neck and sucked at the skin on your shoulder taking another moan from you. You felt his body pull away from you and immediately you began to unzip his trousers, intentionally brushing your hand against his hard cock. It was your turn to take moan from him, you slid his trousers down his legs and let him take the rest off. You watched him look over your body and watching him getting turned on made you feel a little weak. 

He took his time sliding his hands from your waist down to the skin beneath your underwear, taking them off with such care. He placed kisses over your chest, between your breasts, over your now toned stomach, all the way to your hips, he stayed there and removed your underwear completely. He gave your hips all the attention you could handle, kneeling in front of you, his hands drifting up the back of your legs caressing the bruised skin, kissing from one hip to the other and moaning your name quietly. Your hand somehow found its way to the back of his head and you were pushing your hips up for more contact.

Phil stopped to regain his breath and stood up in front of you, you felt a twinge of disappointment but soon he was kissing your mouth, using his tongue to explore you and slide over your teeth. He stopped again and rested his forehead against yours.

‘I can't wait another year to do this.’ He sighed. ‘Not when it feels this good.’ He kissed you again.

‘I guess we should make it a habit then.’ You felt him smile against you. He took his own underwear off and spun you around so you could feel his body pressed up against you. His hands gliding over your stomach, up to brush his thumbs over your hardened nipples and sucking the tender skin between your neck and shoulder, moaning into you.

You felt him guide you into the shower and the hot water felt so good on your muscles and over your bruised skin. You took a moment to bask under the water before Phil turned you around again to see you. For a while he just watched you under the water, you lifted your head up and closed your eyes, you felt Phil lightly trace his hands over every part of your body before placing another opened mouthed kiss on your lips. 

‘You're so beautiful, sweetheart.’ He said, you could feel his hands still tracing over your body, like he was committing every part of you to memory. It felt good to be so wanted by Phil.

‘Maybe I should get wet more often, if this is the kind of attention I can expect.’ You teased, you felt him chuckle against your neck. His hand drifted down between your legs and teased your centre with his expert fingers.

‘You have no idea of the attention I want to give you right now.’ He whispered, his voice was heavy with desire and a small part of you was regretting saying yes, you might not be ready for this.

Phil continued to tease your clit and place hot kisses over your shoulder, collarbone and neck. You felt his rhythm change to something slower but somehow more intense as he flicked his tongue over your nipples, he took a breathy moan from your throat and you bit down on your lip and let him suck and lick and scrape his teeth over your breasts.

Phil pulled himself away to kiss your mouth, dipping one of his fingers inside of you, testing how aroused you really were. You quickly wrapped your arms around his neck, letting him hold you steady as he dipped further inside you. He moaned heavily when he saw you were biting down on your lips again. He pushed you back against the cool tiles, that felt so good on your back muscles. 

‘Have you ever tasted yourself before?’ He asked curiously, you shook your head and watched a huge Cheshire grin appear on his face. You felt him pull his hand away from your centre and used it to pry your lips away from your teeth. ‘I'd like you to.’ He traced his finger over your lips and you weren't exactly sure of where this new confidence came from either of you, but soon you ran your tongue over your lips, taking in everything he had put there, never breaking eye contact and watching him get incredibly turned on watching you.

Phil kissed you hard, trying desperately to taste what he could, but to no avail. ‘I guess you'll have to go straight to the source.’ You flirted. Phil moaned into your mouth.

‘You have no idea how long I've waited for you to say that.’ He said, not needing to be asked twice, before he was kneeling in front of you kissing over your hips again and making you crave his touch all that much more.

He guided your leg over his shoulder and ran his hand up towards your arse, squeezing hard as his tongue pressed against your clit, making both of you moan loudly. Phil was an expert at building intensity, you knew that from the last time, but he really took his time lapping at your clit, dipping his tongue inside you, taking more moans from you, your chest was heaving for more oxygen just to stand a chance at keeping up with him. You felt your hips moving towards his mouth for more attention, more intensity, more Phil. He happily obliged and worked his tongue a little faster, before taking it back to slow deliberate strokes that he loved so much, using his tongue to feel every single part of you, committing it to memory just like the rest of your body.

He moved his hand from your arse and began dipping his fingers inside you again, waiting for the moment where you couldn't take it any longer and you needed more inside of you. Phil eased two fingers inside you and ran his whole tongue up your centre, putting just that extra pressure on your clit. He soon picked up speed and his hand snaked up your body to your breasts, he caressed and gently squeezed them in time with his tongue and his other hand inside you, he took your nipple between two fingers and just as you couldn't take much more, he squeezed it a little harder than before and you came undone. Almost losing your balance, but Phil had you in place and allowed your orgasm to over take your senses.

Phil rested his head against your hip and slowly pulled his hand away from your throbbing centre to caress your leg that was still over his shoulder. You regained your breathing, just, as Phil kissed all the way back up to your mouth and you could taste yourself again. You let out a moan into his mouth and he responded with his own ragged moan.

‘You're so beautiful.’ He whispered between kisses.

‘You've mentioned that.’ You chuckled. Taking more kisses from him, craving more than he was giving you. The hot water ran down your bodies and for a moment, you both just let it happen, just feeling the closeness of each other, breathing in time.

Phil traced his whole hand from your chest down between to breasts, feeling your toned stomach. ‘I want you.’ He whispered hotly against your ear.

‘You have me.’ You replied. You felt Phil breathe a sigh of relief as he put more kisses over your shoulder and neck.

You felt his hands on your hips, turning you around and continuing his attack on your neck, making you moaning and lean back into his body. You put your hand on the wall in front of you to steady yourself. ‘If it's too much-?’ Phil started to ask, seeing you struggle to stand.

‘It's not.’ You said quickly. ‘Please don't stop.’ You pleaded with him. 

You felt his strong arms wrap around you, breathing you in. You lifted your arms up to wrap around Phil's neck, you could feel his breathing, you could feel it speeding up as his hands drifted up to caress your breasts again, kneading them, feeling the weight of them and soon biting down gently on your shoulder. 

Phil took your hands and placed them on the wall in front of you so you were leaning forward a little, his hands came back up your arms, over your shoulders and slid down your back. One of his hands stopped at the year old scar on your shoulder blade. He traced it's shape and pressed his lips to it. It made you feel relief, finally something that didn't remind you of what had happened the first time you'd met this man, finally something that made you feel good about your scar. You wished that he would just kiss away the memories of all your scars.

You could feel his hard cock between your legs as Phil soon went back to his desires, he held your hips in place and slowly eased himself inside you, filling you up and letting out a ragged moan. Phil stayed where he was for just a few moments, just feeling your body wrapped around him, before he eased himself into a comfortable rhythm, slow and intense, each thrust going just a little deeper than the one before.

Phil kept one hand on your hip, but moved the other around your waist, holding you against his chest, you felt his breathing grow more ragged, his moans get louder and the intensity inside you building all over again. Phil took one of your hands and brought it down to your centre. ‘I want you to touch yourself for me. Make me come sweetheart.’ He whispered against your ear. Your whole body went weak, hearing him say that was such a turn on for you that you just did as he asked and stroked your clit for him. 

He thrusts matched your strokes as he kept his hand on top of yours, feeling your speed change and thrusting faster and deeper as a result. You knew you weren't going to last much longer, between his cock, your hand and his mouth biting and sucking the sensitive bruised skin, you were doomed from the start.

You could feel the build up become too much and soon you were moaning against him, feeling his own body grow heavier as delicious orgasm took you both.

‘I'm so in love with you.’ Phil breathed against your neck, softly kissing you and holding your body close to his.

‘Phil.’ You breathed in return, you couldn't form sentences just yet, your body was still recovering, but he knew what you were trying to say. You both stayed where you were for a while until Phil loosened his grip and pulled himself out of you. You turned to watch him under the water, running his hands over his face and smiling when he caught you watching. He simply kissed you and took a shower with you finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, will be taking a short break while I write the next few chapters and get some editing done. But never fear, I will be back with more. Love Jadders92 xx


	8. Am I In Trouble?

You had taken a shower with Phil, he had helped wash your hair and for a while the outside world didn't exist. There was no SHIELD, there was no bus, no burning buildings, no Rome, no team, nothing. Just you and Phil taking a shower and submitting yourselves to a feeling of pure bliss.

You lay on the bed in a fresh t shirt and jeans and glanced at the time, nearly six, you knew you needed to get up soon, but you were too relaxed watching Phil watch you. You barely spoke, but you didn't need to, you were here in this hotel room with this man and nothing else mattered.

The alarm went off and the dream was over, Phil leaned across you to turn it off and gave you a soft kiss as he got up off of the bed and went about putting his shirt and tie back on. You watched him for a while.

‘Am I in trouble Phil?’ You asked, you knew you had broken some rules and you knew that Fury and Hill would hear about it. Phil sighed and looked at you from the chair.

‘Yes.’ He said. ‘I have to report it, we all do. But I'm going to recommend that the team take a month off to recover and suggest that you go into regular sessions with Dr Wright while we take time off.’

‘Why?’ 

‘Because we need it.’ He said simply, tying his shoe and coming to sit on the bed next to you. ‘We get two weeks every year to rest and recover, for most teams that's more than enough time, but most teams are designed for Intel gathering and low risk operations. We've not exactly stuck to those design plans and our two weeks have been anything but relaxing.’ He chuckled. ‘We need time to deal with everything and I'm going to make sure we get it.’ Phil kissed your forehead and smiled.

You felt the rage in your chest flare slightly, unsure of what to say, you just gave Phil a tight smile in response. You really weren't looking forward to sitting down with Dr Wright and talking about what happened, you had done some talking in the two weeks you had off but nothing was really said, this time would be different.

‘Do you think Fury will go for it?’ You asked. Phil just smiled and gave you another soft kiss.

‘If he wants to keep his new favourite agent happy and healthy, he will.’ Phil chuckled.

‘I'm not his favourite.’ You said slightly miserably, thinking back to the last conversation you'd had with Fury.

‘You're my favourite.’ Phil made you look directly at him. ‘Don't worry too much about what Fury thinks. I realise now that maybe we've been putting a lot of pressure on you to surpass your parents achievements, but we just want you to try. At the end of the day, your fathers only regret was that he didn't try hard enough, even though a lot of the time there was really nothing more to be done. When you told me, back in Rome, that you had options, you reminded me so much of him, his desire to keep fighting for what was right and I knew that you were going to be at least twice the agent he was. He'd be proud of you, I can say that for absolute certainty sweetheart.’ Phil kissed your forehead and let you wrap yourself around him. 

You had wondered for such a long time what your father would have done, would he have found another option in time, would he have saved Daniel Robben? Maybe, maybe not.

 

You both got back to the bus and you went straight to your bunk, not wanting to talk to anyone just yet. Phil was taking the bus back to HQ to tell Fury you were taking a month off to recover whether he liked it or not. 

You heard a knock on your door. ‘Hey, it's me. Open up.’ It was Skye. You should've expected it sooner or later, your best friend coming to talk to you about what was going on.

‘It's open.’ You called, still laying on your bed. Skye came in and closed the door behind her, she lifted your legs and sat down with them on her lap.

‘I heard we’re all getting a month off?’ She asked, looking around your bunk. There really wasn't anything of note in there, just the picture of your parents that you kept close at all times.

‘Yeah, that's what Phil said this morning.’ You adjusted your pillows so that you weren't quite upright but so you could see Skye properly.

You saw her think for a moment. ‘This morning?’ She asked, curiously. You could see she was holding back a smile. ‘I didn't realise he had spent the night.’ She teased, you could feel a small smile form on your lips.

‘Yeah, he did.’ You said, being deliberately vague.

‘How much sleep did you get?’

‘Slept til three.’

‘Uh huh and what about the three hours between then and getting up?’ Skye raised her eyebrows.

‘We took a shower.’

‘Together? For three hours?’

‘Yes.’

Skye just smiled at you, she was really very happy for you, you knew that. ‘So, do you think this is it? Are you guys going to make it work this time?’

‘I hope so.’ You said honestly. ‘Phil said my parents struggled for ages, I guess that's how it's supposed to be when you work for SHIELD. Life is a struggle.’

‘Yeah, but you guys got each other.’ 

‘You got me too.’ You reminded her.

‘Oh yeah, we’ll always be soul mates. I know you love me more than Phil.’ She chuckled. ‘I guess I can share you for a while.’

Skye always had a way to make you smile no matter what, that's why she was your best friend. ‘Well thanks, I'll tell Phil the good news. He can have me on your terms.’

‘Who's terms?’ Phil said opening the door. ‘Oh.’ He raised an eyebrow at you both.

‘Sorry Coulson, we’re a package deal.’ Skye said, making you both giggle.

‘God help me.’ He shot back in jest. ‘We touch down in an hour, I need you both to hand in your reports before then.’ You both nodded to Phil and he closed the door.

There was a short pause between you before Skye asked the important question on her mind. ‘So, how was the sex?’ You both laughed.

You gave her a quick recap, telling her mostly about how he made you feel and less about what he actually did, before you both left your bunk and got started on your reports.

 

You finally got the reports done and handed in, just in time to land at HQ. As usual Fury and Hill were there to greet you, though the look on their faces told you that they were not pleased to see you.

Phil had led you all out of the bus, ready to take the brunt of the anger. You and Skye followed in close behind. But there was no anger, just exhaustion. Fury and Hill looked exhausted and simply shook Coulson’s hand and led you all inside for debrief. It was short and you were fairly grateful, you desperately wanted to get home and go to sleep, you talked briefly over the mission in Los Angeles, barely mentioning that it had anything to do with Rome, Fury telling you that you'd go into more detail at the meeting you'd have with him in a few days time. You dreaded it.

After the debrief was over you headed straight to Dr Wright’s office to tell him you'd be making regular visits, he'd convinced you to come in for a chat and it had ended in tears like you knew it would.

Finally you were heading outside to where Lola was parked and slumped in the passenger seat. Phil went to give you a kiss when he saw your face.

‘You okay?’ He asked, worriedly. ‘Have you been crying?’

‘I spoke to Dr Wright.’ You chuckled slightly.

Phil just smiled and placed a chaste kiss on your lips. He started up the car and you began the long journey home. ‘Are you okay?’ You noticed Phil was a little tense, holding the steering wheel a little tightly, making his knuckles go white.

‘It's been a long day.’ Was all he said, you knew there was something else there, but you didn't push it, you knew better than that. You just let the early evening breeze wash over you, you still ached but the cool air made you tired enough that you soon fell asleep in Lola.

You felt Phil carry you up the stairs and lay you down on your sofa. You slowly woke up and realised that Phil was in the kitchen opening a bottle of wine and dealing with a pizza box, that smelt so good. 

You noticed the small remote for your sound system sitting on the coffee table. You picked it up and just put on whatever was on next, sitting upright and resting back on the sofa. Phil smiled at you as he leaned over you, he handed you a glass of wine and gave you a quick kiss before grabbing the pizza box and settling next you.

You sat and ate in silence, listening to the soft melody playing in your apartment. It was nice, just sitting with Phil and enjoying his company, though you knew something was still wrong, in the back of your mind you knew Phil was still just as tense as he was in the car. You finished the pizza off and looked at him, his brows were knitted together, he was thinking hard about something.

‘What's wrong Phil?’ You said putting your glass down. He gave you a blank look. ‘What are you thinking about?’

You could tell he was thinking very quickly, but you weren't going to let him get out of it this time. He put his own glass down and scooted closer to face you slinging his arm over the back of the sofa. He looked tired.

‘Nick said no.’ He said simply. You didn't really have to ask what it was he was talking about. ‘He told me that I can have you or the bus, but not both.’ 

What do you say to something like that? 

‘It's not up to him.’ You said. Phil just blinked. ‘It's not his choice. It's ours.’

‘Sweetheart-‘

‘No! It's not his life.’ You felt that rage flare in your chest again. ‘I'll tell him that! I'll tell him it's not up to him!’

Phil just gave you a sympathetic look and smiled. He could tell you were angry, but he also knew how tired you were. ‘Okay.’ He said and kissed your forehead. ‘Okay, we can talk about it tomorrow sweetheart.’ He said again and just like that the rage dissipated back into a tiny ball in the middle of your chest. 

‘Out of interest, what did you say?’ You asked, wondering what he chose. 

Phil gave you that pained look again. ‘I chose you sweetheart, always you.’ He kissed you softly and you felt all the love in the world pouring from him. Suddenly the soft kiss turned into something slightly more desperate and wanting. You could feel him pulling you closer onto his lap, before he stopped and looked at you. ‘Sorry.’ He whispered. You just laughed and shook your head.

‘Take me to bed Phil Coulson.’ You whispered back. He smiled and carried you through to your bedroom where you wrapped yourself around him and fell asleep against his chest.


	9. The Meeting

A few days later and you were driving to your meeting with Fury. There was silence in the car as Phil was just as nervous as you, you'd had an argument the night before about the meeting and it hadn't ended well. Phil had told you it was likely that you'd be reassigned if you provoked Fury too much, you had argued back that you'd earn the right to be on that bus more than some people. You hadn't really been referring to anyone, you said it out of frustration and meant it as a throw away comment, but Phil had taken it to heart.

You barely waited for him to turn off the ignition before you were out the door and heading for your meeting. Phil didn't bother running after you, he knew there was nothing more to be said on the matter and he'd only be wasting his breath if he tried.

The meeting was at eleven, you had an hour so you headed down to the cafeteria and grabbed a cup of coffee to calm your nerves. You stared off into the distance thinking about what you wanted to say to Fury in that meeting, when an old familiar face took the seat opposite you. He had a smile and a few cuts on his face from a recent mission.

‘Thought I'd find someone interesting to talk to down here.’ Steve said, he looked exhausted, much like most of the agents these days.

‘Gave up looking did you?’ You teased back. He laughed and took a sip of his own coffee.

‘You look different.’ He said, giving you a quick scan.

‘Is that the polite way of you telling me I look like hell?’

‘If by hell you mean a force to be reckoned with, then yes.’ Steve gave you a wink and took another gulp of his coffee. ‘I heard some rumours while you were away.’

‘I'll bet.’

‘I heard that your partner told you how to hack into one of the most secure vaults in the world on an open channel in Spain. I heard that you gave Gregor Novak jr a run for his money by not getting killed by a deadly virus. I heard that you had a hard choice to make in Italy. I heard you ran into a burning building to save a dozen people after taking out a HYDRA lab.’ Steve recapped most of what happened in the last couple of years and you could feel that rage flaring slightly again. ‘All in the space of two years… Any of it true?’

‘Most of it.’ You said. ‘The HYDRA lab blew up, never had a chance to do anything else.’

‘It's still a damn good record.’ Steve chuckled. ‘I read a lot of the reports you sent back. You've done a lot of good out there, everyone knows it's because of Coulson teaching you the right way, not any of this train for two years then go out and find out what it's really like. No, Coulson’s got it right I think. Like I said you look different.’

‘What does that even mean?’ You said exasperated. ‘I feel like crap, my body aches, my heads a mess.’

‘It means you look focussed, determined and I guess most importantly, you look ready to get back out there.’ Steve leaned in as he spoke. ‘All good agents feel like giving up from time to time, but the really good ones try despite feeling like that… Tell me honestly, do you think those people out there, the ones with the briefcases full of stress, drinking problems, greed and the things they consider to be demons, do you think they're still worth saving?’

You thought for a moment, you no longer cared what those people thought, what they did with heir lives. It wasn't up to you, it was up to them. ‘No, but I think it's not up to me to decide.’ You said, and Steve smiled a big Cheshire grin.

‘Exactly.’ He said. ‘You should tell Fury that in your meeting. I'm sure he’ll appreciate the irony.’

You chuckled finishing your coffee. ‘What happened to you?’ You asked gesturing to his cuts and bruises.

‘Recon gone wrong.’ He bowed his head a little, before looking back up at you with those big blue eyes. ‘Everyone deserves to be happy, I had Peggy, you got Phil. Fight for your right to happiness, from what I heard in those rumours, he made you a better agent.’ Steve picked up his coffee cup and stood up. ‘See you in another couple of years I guess.’ He winked at you and walked away. 

You quickly checked the time, you had half an hour. Half an hour to think about what Steve said and think about what you were going to say to Fury.

 

Your time was up and you stood waiting outside Fury’s office. You had briefly seen Hill before she shook your hand and wished you luck. You could tell that she had no idea what was going to happen, but she must've known something if she was wishing you luck.

The door opened and you stepped into Fury’s office, there was a cold air that whipped at your spine as you stepped up to his desk and took a seat. He was watching you the whole way with a blank expression, he wasn't giving you an inch. You sat down and placed your hands safely on the arms of the chair.

For a little too long, neither of you moved, you were playing a brief game of patience. Until Fury sighed opened one of the files sitting in front of him. He cleared his throat and took a quick glance down. ‘Los Angeles. Primary Mission Objective: to infiltrate a known HYDRA lab and discontinue its research. Secondary Mission Objective: to gather valuable Intel on the organisation known HYDRA itself… Let's skip to the outcome… Conclusion: PMO completed… It was actually the only one completed. The lab exploded and you decided to play firefighter with the building next to it.’ Fury waited a moment for you to respond, you didn't. You simply sat waiting for him to make his point. ‘I'm just going to ask the question here. What the hell were you thinking running into a burning building in broad daylight, against Agent Coulson’s orders?! Do you have anything to say for yourself?’

‘I never heard him tell me to stop.’ You said, taking deep cool breath to calm yourself down.

‘You never heard him?’

‘No.’ You said much more firmly.

‘But you heard the screams?’ 

You didn't respond. Fury leaned forward and studied you.

‘I'll take your silence as confirmation. Let's move on.’ Fury picked up another file. ‘We’re going to be here a while.’

You sat for five hours while Fury ran down every case you had been involved with where something had gone wrong, a rule was broken or someone's judgement was impaired. The rage in your chest was flaring big time. Your hands were clenched and you had to work hard to keep your face as emotionless as possible. But it was getting more challenging as the minutes went by.

‘I suppose that does it for the case files, we’ll move onto Wright’s most recent report.’ Fury produced yet another file. Briefly you wondered who the hell had time to print all these reports out. ‘Now he says some interesting things about your mental state. Says that Los Angeles might just have been your tipping point… I disagree.’ Fury put the file down and looked you straight in the eye.

You frowned slightly in response.

‘That anger, that rage you have boiling in your chest… You think you're the first person to feel like that? You think you're the only agent I've seen go insane because of that rage?’ Fury hesitated. ‘I've lost too many good people because of agents like you. The ones who don't care if they live or die even at the expense of the people closest to them. I don't like agents like you.’

You didn't say a word. You weren't giving in to him, not even for a second.

‘I hear you got pretty close to Coulson.’ That was nearly it, that was nearly the end of you. You could feel the rage stinging behind your eyes, you almost lost control. ‘I denied his request to take things further, not because I don't care, but because there wouldn't be any point. You're being reassigned to a different team, one where the rules might be enforced on you a little better, protocol will mean something to you and your SO will not hold your hand through the hard times like a child.’

Your chest deflated, you were being taken away from Coulson. From the one thing you couldn't be without, your family.

‘Why?’ You croaked out.

‘Why?’ Fury tested the word slightly. ‘Because, I want to make you into the best agent you can possibly be. You can't make your parents proud if you're distracted.’

‘What if I'm happy?’ The rage was becoming much more violent now, flaring at an alarming rate. 

‘Excuse me?’

‘What if I'm happy? Does that mean nothing to you? Because I'm sure it meant a hell of a lot to my parents. I'm sure they wanted their daughter to be happy for once.’ You somehow felt yourself stand not of your own accord. ‘You gave them a chance to be happy, why am I any different?!’

Fury studied you for a moment before standing up to tower over you.

‘When you get that rage of yours under control, we’ll talk about what you do and don't deserve. You're parents earned the right to be the exception, they earned that at their own risk. You have not earned that freedom just yet… This meeting is over. You will meet Agent Greene in the training halls tomorrow morning and start training with his team in their ways, I expect results.’ Fury dismissed you. You couldn't be sure of what to do next. You wanted to hurt Fury, you wanted to kill him right there and then, but you were pretty sure he'd kick the crap out of you in an instant. 

You turned a strode from his office. You saw Phil from the corner of your eye waiting outside Fury’s office, you could feel him following you to drive you back home, but he kept his distance. You just kept your head down and kept walking down to the garage, occasionally catching people that you recognised out of the corner of your eye.

You finally got there and just hopped into Lola, Phil wasted no time, even speeding a little to get you home. You raced up the stairs to your apartment and opened the door and stripped off your jacket; you tried as hard as you could to just breathe, but nothing was working. So you just let it happen, you drive your fist as hard as you could through your coffee table, shattering the glass, you kept punching the wood frame screaming out until Phil pulled you away before you got seriously hurt. You just cried letting Phil hold you against his chest, knowing that this could be one of the last times you ever get be this close to him.


	10. A New Beginning...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay guys, I've been busy with work and my classes, hopefully I'll get more done soon :) enjoy!

You woke the next day, a throbbing pain in your hand and a build up of sweat on your forehead. You'd had a lot of nightmares the night before, you wondered why Phil never woke you from them. You heard him get up out of bed and head into the kitchen, you could smell a pot of strong coffee brewing and it pulled you from your bed.

You stepped into the shower and felt the delicious sting of the hot water seeping into your cuts and bruises on your hand. For some reason the pain was somewhat soothing, taking everything away from your chest and sending it to your hand. It was almost a relief, until the pain became a little much and you finished up in the shower.

You got dressed and soon found Phil flicking through the channels on mute, the soothing music playing on your sound system. Phil watched you head straight for the coffee and drink an entire cup.

‘How's the hand?’ He asked.

‘Fine.’ You said, pouring another coffee. You avoided looking him dead in the eye, afraid you'd break down in tears.

‘You don't need to lie.’ He sighed and wandered over to you, you did just about everything you could to avoid him touching you or getting too close. You had too many questions that needed answers but you knew you weren't in the right state to hear them. ‘I can't even touch you now?’ He asked, hurt sitting just behind his eyes as you finally looked at him. 

‘Can you just drive me to work?’ Was all you were capable of saying. You could see a whip of anger flash across his face.

‘Sure.’ He said through gritted teeth. He picked up his keys and jacket. ‘I'll be in the car.’ He said just before he left your apartment.

It wasn't your intention to hurt him, but you knew that was exactly what you had done. You quickly grabbed your jacket and rucksack and followed him, you were vaguely aware that you hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning, but a part of you didn't care, you just wanted to get this day over and done with.

You drove in silence to HQ, there was a lot of thick tension in the car until Phil finally spoke. ‘I realise you're angry, I gather that Fury said no to our relationship, but I think we should ignore what he says. It'll be harder with being on different teams and being so far away, but I think we owe it to ourselves to make it work.’ You agreed with his premise, but there was something sitting at the back of your mind that you couldn't help but focus on. 

You both got out of the car and you started to leave when Phil made you turn to face him. ‘Can you just talk to me for a second?’ He said quietly so that the other agents arriving couldn't hear you. ‘Do you still want to be with me? Because if the answer is no… Tell me now so I can stop making a fool of myself for you.’

‘Did you know?’ You said instantly.

‘What?’

‘Did you know that I was being reassigned to Agent Greene’s team?’

You saw Phil swallow and take half a step back.

‘That's all I needed to know.’ You instantly felt a sense of betrayal. You slung your bag on your shoulder and walked away from where Phil was still standing. 

You finally got to the training halls, you knew you were late, but not a single piece of you cared. Agent Greene, however, decided to try and make an example of you by having you go three rounds with Romanov. Your hand was killing you, but you didn't let it bother you while you were sparring.

Round one went to Romanov, no one was shocked, until round two went to you. Round three was left undecided when Romanov was called to go on an emergency mission to Bulgaria.

‘Treat her right, keep her happy and she’ll fight for you Agent Greene.’ Romanov said as she left the halls, you still had the flare of rage sitting in your chest. Agent Greene's team finally arrived from their weapons training and we're all a far cry from what you expected.

Agent Greene was a fairly well built man of around thirty-five with handsome features that surrounded his deep blue eyes, his team were composed of a very young pilot, Agent Jones with long blonde hair, she seemed to be the most bubbly of the team a sharp contrast to the much older Agent Tarron, he was maybe mid-forties with a grim look on his scarred face; from what you had read the Scotsman had seen some action in his time and with his engineering and mechanics background it was hardly surprising that he'd made it to the age he had. The last to enter was another young man Dr Parker, he was lean and somewhat nervous, but his warm brown eyes and sculpted hair gave him a friendly feel.

They lined up and scanned you intently, each with their obvious opinions.

‘So you're the force Fury was telling us about.’ Tarron looked you up and down.

‘Tarron, Jones. Show our new team mate how we disarm an incoming enemy.’ Greene commanded. Parker quickly moved out of the way to stand beside you and watch as Jones went to disarm Tarron, she eventually managed, but it looked a lot like Tarron just let her have the knife in his hand. 

‘Think you can handle that?’ Jones mocked you.

‘And then some.’ You were not in the mood to be mocked. Tarron raised his eyebrows and Jones just left her mouth hanging.

‘Go on then.’ Greene tested you.

You sighed and carefully began to circle Tarron, a vague boredom in your step as he became frustrated and lunged for you. You were so much quicker than him, you hit all the sweet spots you knew and soon had Tarron lying flat on the floor. You tossed the knife over in your hand, Parker seemed impressed. Greene wasn't in the slightest.

‘That's not the way we do it.’ Greene simply stated, clearly not inviting an answer.

‘That's how I do it.’ You stated back. You saw Greene's eyes widen, he clearly wasn't used to people talking back to him. 

It had been an extraordinarily long day and when it was finally over, you were relieved that you could go home to your bed and rest for a few hours before you did it all again. 

You got to the garage to find it empty, Lola was gone as was Phil. Your previous conversation was not one you wanted to repeat. You wandered out of the garage and walked the hour and a half walk back to your apartment. Not something you wanted to get used to.

 

The rest of the two weeks hadn't been much better than the first day, but you soon gave in a little to Agent Greene, you adopted some his moves and used them to please him and stop the constant hounding. You had unfortunately gotten used to the walk back to your apartment and it was a unpleasant as you knew it would be.

You had barely seen Phil, until the day you left. He handed you a piece of paper and shook your hand but said nothing when sending you off. You opened the paper, it was an email address, Phil's and his personal phone number. You'd never had much use for the email in the past, but now it seemed like your only life line.

You had grown a little closer to Parker but the rest of them still seemed to hate you. Parker gave you a small frown, you said nothing but walked beside him and onto the new bus. It wasn't too dissimilar to the one you were used to, but it did have an air of unfamiliarity to it. The bar was the other side and the bunks were organised differently, eventually you found yours when you were called to the platform for a team briefing before take off.

Parker gave you a half smile as you entered and took your place to be briefed.

Agent Greene dressed in his combat gear, something you'd get used to, but you missed Phil's suit. ‘We’re headed for Tokyo, a small arms dealer is attempting to hit the big time and he's gotten himself in a little trouble over territory with a much bigger fish. We’re going in to gather Intel only,’ Greene gave you a stern look. ‘And then we wait for Agent Millar’s team to come in for extraction. Tarron you'll be on hand to assist in case anything goes wrong, but apart from that you'll be on your own.’ Greene looked at you, you didn't move a muscle. You knew what an Intel mission was, a cake walk, a five minute job.

‘What kind of Intel you looking for?’ You asked, only vaguely interested in the answer. 

‘Anything that can tell us where his warehouse is, how much product he has and if he really has lost his mind or if he's working for a rival. Clear enough?’ Greene was agitated, he didn't wait for a response. ‘Jones wheels up. Let's get moving.’ 

Tarron gave you a warning look and descended towards the lab with Parker who gave you another half smile. You attempted one back but it ended up more of a twitch. 

You went back to your bunk and opened your laptop. You had three new messages from linguistics and decided to try and get through as much work as possible before you landed in the heart of Tokyo. You had been there before and knew a fair amount of the surrounding area, which was probably the reason you were asked to go in alone, maybe Greene saw the value in having you on the bus after all. 

You finished going through only one of the messages by the time you landed. You quickly changed and thrust your knife and medikit into your cargo trousers. You grabbed you side arm and jacket and headed for the ramp, you missed Lola sitting in the back of the bus and seeing her every time you left the bus for any reason. Agent Greene and Tarron were waiting for you, Greene tossed you an earpiece and you put it in quickly. Tarron seemed to struggle slightly, though you pretended not to notice. Greene nodded to you and wandered out of the bus into the cool morning air of downtown Tokyo. 

You threw your jacket on and walked through the old familiar streets, your internal map telling you which direction to go to get to your target.

‘Wrong way.’ Greene said casually as you avoided a short cut he had recommended you take.

‘I'd rather not use that short cut this early.’ You said taking a different route. ‘Last time we encountered an underground dog fighting gang just waking up. Apparently they didn't appreciate the wake up call at sun rise.’ Greene didn't say anything. 

‘Do I even need to direct you?’ Greene said exhausted. 

‘Probably not. But confirmation that my earpiece is working is always good.’ You said, barely aware of your words anymore.

‘Tarron, how far out are you?’ Greene asked.

‘Just picking up a ride and I'll be there in fifteen, boss.’ Tarron replied.

‘You've got fifteen minutes agent.’ Tarron said simply. You knew how far out you were, fifteen minutes wouldn't be a problem.

You arrived before Tarron, but didn't say a word. He gave you a quick nod as you looked towards the rising sun, you could see the beauty in it, but it reminded you too much of times on the bus when you and Skye would relax in some distant place after a long mission. 

‘Find a good vantage point and stay there til I give the word.’ Greene said. You walked through the waste ground, where there was once a thriving factory making God knows what, you found a good place to sit and wait. The waste ground seemed like a good place for a meeting between dealers of any kind. There were a few crates that you knew you probably shouldn't touch.

‘Tarron? Any sign of the dealers?’ You asked.

‘Couple of cars coming up the road, no visual confirmation yet… Why?’ He asked boredom setting in. You might not have enough time.

‘There's some crates here that might be worth a look.’ You said making a decision to investigate what you could.

‘Do not open that crate agent.’ Greene ordered over the radio.

‘I'm not stupid Greene, I'm not going to open it, but I am going to find out what I can.’ You snapped back. Childish you knew, but your rage was growling at you in your chest.

‘If you compromise this mission, you'll not be off the bus but you will be given the most unpleasant missions we get. Do you understand?’ Greene said through gritted teeth.

‘I thought I was getting those anyway.’ You said quietly enough that it didn't reach your earpiece. You quickly took a couple of photos of the crates and sent the images back to the bus for analysis. 

‘They're written in Japanese.’ Greene stated.

‘It just says fragile.’ You said simply.

‘Then why are you sending me the photo?’ Greene was back to being agitated.

‘For analysis. The crate might be one that's been seen before… I thought I was gathering Intel. This could tell us where the warehouse is and lead us to the arms dealer himself.’ You growled, hearing the cars get closer. 

You darted back into your hiding place and found the record button on your phone. There's no way if they were speaking Japanese that you'd remember the whole conversation. Three men eventually got out of one car, two goons and a man with a bag over his head.

‘What can you see?’ Greene asked. You knew if you spoke you'd be found. You typed out a text to maintain radio silence and sent it to him. ‘Fine.’ Was his reply over the radio.

You began videoing the meeting. You were in a position that your angle was good but they'd never come near you. The bag was removed and you saw that it was the small time arms dealer. Another man, tall and thin, got out of the other car with another two goons. He wandered gracefully over to the crate, feeling it with his long fingers and soon indicating for the goons to open it. Inside there were guns, exactly what you thought was in there. The tall man traced his fingers over the guns and turned the the quivering man on the floor.

‘Facial recognition says that the man kneeling is definitely our small time dealer Mr Chang and the other man standing by the crates is Mr Anthony Jacobs, born in Japan but moved to China when he was six years old. He knows eighteen different languages… That's impressive.’ You knew if you could speak you'd come back with the fact that you knew twenty four earth languages and six alien. It wasn't that impressive.

Jacobs approached Chang and whispered something in his ear before taking a knife from his goon and slicing the throat of a very still and calm Chang. Whatever he said scared the hell out of Chang and he used it to kill him. 

Once Chang was dead, Jacobs took one last look into his eyes and got back into the car and drove off back up the road. You caught the number plates in the video and immediately sent the whole thing back to the bus.

‘I've got the video.’ Greene said. ‘Any idea what he said?’

‘I wasn't close enough to hear, we can find out on the analysis though.’ You said and stepped over Chang’s body to head back towards Tarron. You jogged most of the way, not wanting to stay near the waste ground any longer than you needed to. You got the entrance and Tarron was nowhere to be found until a car came speeding around the corner.

‘You'll have to jump lassie! We've got company!’ Tarron shouted. You began sprinting away from the car, getting a head start to jump into the passenger seat. Two more cars came roaring around the corner after it.

The car was getting closer and your legs were pumping as hard as they could, you made a dive hitting your head off the door of the car, but you made it anyway. Tarron was bleeding from his shoulder. ‘It's just a scratch, it'll be fine.’ He said. You armed your gun and opened your door. ‘What you doing now?!’ You leaned out of the car, took aim through the bullets flying towards you and shot the tyres off the front of both of the cars, they went into a tail spin and crashed into each other. You watched for any survivors, when you saw none you climbed back into the car and Tarron gave you a half shocked half disapproving look. ‘Not the approach I was gonna take, but effective all the same I suppose.’ Tarron huffed.

You felt the side of your head, you were bleeding slightly, not as bad as Tarron but it still hurt like hell. You both made it safely enough back to the new bus and Parker immediately saw to Tarron’s wound, it wasn't as bad as all the blood made it seem, but he still needed attention. You had a look at your own wound, it was just a scrape, it wasn't deep or anything, but the blood was starting to trail close to your eyes. You took your jacket off and used the mirror to clean up your cut and get it stitched up.

You went to leave the small medical bay when Parker called you. ‘I haven't stitched you up yet!’ 

You pointed to your head and said: ‘already done.’ You made your way back up to the platform to analyse the video footage. Greene and Jones looked as if they had been having a very personal conversation, with Jones smiling widely and Greene giving her all the eye contact he had, you briefly wondered if that's what you and Phil used to look like when you were happy. Those moments were few and far between, but you savoured them all the same, maybe even more.

You cleared you throat and snapped them out of their day dream, Jones glared at you and pushed past you as she left to check on Tarron. You pulled up the footage and barely acknowledged what you saw. You glanced at Greene who had his arms folded and was clearly thinking about how to approach the situation. 

‘Relationships aren't allowed according to Fury.’ You said casually, still focussed on the footage.

‘Didn't seem to stop you and Agent Coulson, did it?’ Greene retorted.

You smiled a warning smile. It was something he should tread lightly with. ‘I'd give you advice on keeping it a secret. But I really don't care enough about it.’ You could feel the rage growling again.

‘Good. Let's keep it that way.’ Greene said and began doing his own work. You glanced at him to say something, but thought better of it.

 

The next couple of weeks on the bus were just as boring as you suspected they would be. There were no more dangerous missions to far off places, just Intel and recon, though you were enjoying the fact that every time you woke up your body didn't ache like you had gotten used to. Skye had emailed you a couple of times to say they had taken off for the next year and that she missed you. You hadn't really gotten around to getting back to her and you hadn't emailed Phil yet either, you just didn't have anything to say.

‘Hey.’ Parker snapped you out of your thoughts. You had been intently focussed on some alien language staring up at you from a file when he came to sit down opposite you. ‘You okay?’ He asked, his handsome features knitting together the same way Phil's used to, trying to assess your face.

‘Good.’ You said simply. You still weren't quite sure where you stood with Parker, he had established himself as a friend that was for sure, but you still weren't sure what you were supposed to say to him, ever.

‘We’re headed to New York in a couple days.’ He offered. You looked at him, trying to work out where he was going with this. ‘I think Tarron was talking about going to a bar? If you wanted to go, it'd give me someone to talk to?’ He smiled his handsome smile, he was quite shy, but he was definitely asking you out.

‘I…um…I actually have an errand to run in New York.’ You said, you didn't lie, but you didn't want parked knowing the whole truth. ‘Maybe I'll catch up with you later on.’

‘Oh…okay, yeah. Just let me know…’ he said, showing off his upset puppy dog eyes, it was almost as unbearable as Phil's pained expression he had. ‘I just thought, you know, it can get pretty lonely on the bus. But I know you've just come out of something, maybe another time.’ You rage growled at you again. Parker smiled embarrassed and left you to your work.

You thought for a moment before making a decision to email Phil. You brought your laptop closer and opened up the email window. You typed in the address on the crumpled piece of paper in your pocket and thought about what to write…

Nothing… Nothing came to you… Not even half a sentence.

You closed the message and instead replied to Skye's last message about heading out.

 

[Sorry. Been busy… How are you? How's Trip? Tell him I've still got half a bottle of vodka in my bunk for when I next see him… Any good missions coming up? Just Intel gathering and recon here. Nothing exciting. Heading to New York in a couple days. Going to see my grandmother… Miss you.]

 

Sent. You waited and stared off into the distance, nothing but cloud for miles out the window. It was peaceful and menacing all at the same time. 

 

[Hey! Finally! I've been waiting on a reply for ages. We’re all good here, will pass on the message. Coulson’s wound tighter than usual, but I guess it's because he misses you. You need to let him know you're fine at some point soon. No exciting missions I'm afraid, but then we all know how it turns out. How's the new team? Do they worship your awesome ninja skills? Good. New York will be fun, a little reminder of where you started… I don't know, maybe you don't feel like that. But I'm sure your grandmother misses you. When's the last time you saw her?]

 

[Tell Phil I'm fine. Team hates me. Except Parker, he's nice enough. My grandmother doesn't recognise me anymore. I just need to make sure she's okay. Gotta go.]

 

You closed your laptop, not realising how little you wanted to talk about Phil or your grandmother for that matter. You just got back to your work and retired back to your bunk just before most of the team decided to have a drink at the bar next to you.

Your nightmares consumed you that night. It no longer felt real, it just felt like you floated through a series of violent events, one after another and just felt numb to any pain it should've caused you. 

Your eyes snapped open, it was pitch black around you, you could feel the rumble of the plane, you were still in the air. But there was something else, a vibration that didn't fit with the normal sounds of the plane. Your phone. You picked it up from the floor. May. You answered.

‘Hello?’

‘It's Phil!’ May panicked. ‘He's having a nightmare. I don't know what to do.’ 

You remembered the last time Phil had a violent nightmare. You had to hold him so tightly until the monsters went away. 

‘What's he saying?’

‘He's not making any sense! Something about punching a wall!’ 

You knew the one. The one where you had woken up and put your fist through a wall, except in the nightmare, sharp daggers emerged from the point of entry, like vines wrapping themselves around your body while he watched unable to move, the daggers had no mercy, they held you tighter and tighter, until they drew blood, until they sliced every part of your body and there was nothing left of you.

‘Let him ride it out.’ You said calmly. Unfortunately there wasn't anything to be done about that one. At least you'd never quite figured it out.

‘What?!’ May exclaimed. ‘He's screaming for you!’

That pulled at your heart painfully. ‘There's nothing you can do.’ You said quietly. ‘You need to let him ride it out and make sure he takes a shower afterwards. He’ll never sleep properly afterwards if he doesn't.’

‘Are you sure?’ May wanted to be certain. You knew it, you even understood it, it wasn't pleasant to watch him writhe the way he did, knowing you couldn't help. But this was one she’d have to take a back seat on.

‘Certain… Let me know if it isn't over in ten minutes.’ You said before hanging up. You couldn't bear listening to Phil's screaming in the background any longer. It hurt too much and you prayed your own nightmares would take you away soon enough and the night would be over.

 

May never called you back. Phil must've been fine. You hoped he was fine for the next couple of nights, you hoped he forgot you long enough to fall into a dreamless sleep. You had finally arrived in New York. You barely acknowledged anyone on the bus as you left with your bag slung over your shoulder, you always took everything with you in that bag. Your weapons, your laptop, your photo frame, the vodka bottle, your meditation book, your medikit with a few extra supplies, just in case and a few shirts in case you were off the bus for longer than anticipated. Parker had text you the details of the hotel you would be staying in and told you he'd sort out your check in for when you got back. You appreciated it, but you really didn't have time to think about any of that. All you wanted was to get to the nursing home to see your only remaining family member.


	11. ... Or a peaceful end?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You might need tissues I'm afraid :'(

You wandered through the city you used to know for a few hours before walking to the nursing home where your grandmother was. It was fairly peaceful and cosy, just what your grandmother needed, it was quiet and far away from any danger, just what you needed.

You walked up the small hill and walked into the front door, nothing had really changed since the last time you were there. Some faces you recognised, others you didn't and some faces were missing altogether. A sad fact of life. It ends.

You wandered over to the reception to see the same faces sitting in the office, they all looked at you with curiosity. They pointed in the direction of the common room and you went towards it with a feeling of nervousness in the pit of your stomach. You did a quick scan of the room and found your grandmother sitting in the corner alone as she normally did, you always felt sorry for her, but when you brought it up she just brushed it off. You walked over to her and waited for just a second to see if she recognised you, no such luck. She gave you a quick scan and went back to watching tv.

‘Mind if I join you?’ You asked. She had a small glimmer in her eye and you hoped that it was a sign of recognition. But she simply nodded and turned her attention back to the screen. You weren't exactly sure of what you were watching but it was entertaining enough. 

‘You remind me of my granddaughter.’ She said coughing slightly. You smiled a little and handed her a cup of water. ‘She doesn't visit much anymore.’

‘I'm sure if she could she would.’ You assured her.

‘I just hope she's doing something she loves.’ She took another sip of water. ‘She was always a bit of a loner though. I worry about her sometimes.’

You stayed silent.

‘My son doesn't come here anymore either.’ Your heart began to crack, letting some of your rage trickle in. ‘I think they've all forgotten about me, you know?’ You saw her eyes glisten slightly as your grandmother fought back tears. Your heart was shattered.

‘No one forgets the people they love.’ You tried to comfort her. ‘Tell me about your son. What was he like?’ You weren't sure what encouraged you to ask the question, but you'd asked it anyway and she seems to brighten up a little.

‘Oh my son!’ She said, happiness flowing through her. ‘What a good man he was! He joined SHIELD just like his father, fought for the cause, fought for our freedom.’ Well that was news to you. You had always been told that your grandfather was a factory worker, it might've been true at some point, but SHIELD was never mentioned.

You took you phone out and typed a quick text to Phil.

 

[My grandfather was SHIELD?!]

 

‘Then he met a girl.’ Your grandmother continued. ‘A beautiful girl, she was fierce! Gave my son a run for his money! His friend Phil set them up you see, Phil was a kind boy, a little nervous from time to time, but he had good in his heart. I hope he's still alive, last thing I heard he was in New York when those things attacked… No, my granddaughter is probably off saving the world somewhere, she probably joined SHIELD like her parents. She's a good girl, she doesn't deserve such pressure. I can only imagine she's fretting abut what people think of her. But she's a strong one. SHIELD would be proud to have her in its ranks. Her fathers stubbornness to do good, her mothers fiercely competitive attitude.’ Your grandmother laughed a little. ‘She’ll outlive us all if she has her way, you just watch.’ She mused.

You couldn't help but feel for your grandmother, an ancient secret in your family and here she was telling the only stranger that would listen, that she was filled with pride. You took out the photo from your rucksack and showed her. Her eyes lit up, she never really had too many pictures of her family, for security reasons, but this one sent her heart soaring.

‘Oh my!’ She struggled with her glasses, you helped her adjust and put them on to examine the photo. You poured another cup of water and set it on the other side of her chair. She caressed the frame and smiled as she recognised each person in it. 

‘Oh look, little Nicky Fury, he was a hard boy, tough as nails but warped by anger and guilt unfortunately… With anger like that, he got a few people killed. Not his fault though, bad things just seemed to happen to him and of course he'd never see a doctor about it, but when he met Maria Hill…’ She pointed to the picture to show you the face you already knew. You smiled watching her describe the man you knew as Director Fury. Your phone buzzed and you quickly apologised, she didn't seem to mind too much though.

 

[I’m in New York tonight. Talk? I want to tell you the truth. About everything.]

 

You didn't reply, instead you listened to your grandmother talk some more about the people in the picture, she laughed and smiled and wept for the SHIELD agents she used to know.

‘The new generation!’ She exclaimed, coughing slightly. ‘Though, they must be old enough now to be reminiscing on the old days as well.’

‘Fury is director now.’ You said quietly, again pointing to the people in the photo. ‘Hill is deputy, Sitwell turned out to be HYDRA.’ You saw a flash of pain drift lazily over her face before you continued. ‘Phil has his own mobile team, he enlisted your granddaughter as a linguistics specialist.’

‘Really?!’ 

‘Yes, she's doing a lot of good.’ You explained. ‘It took her a while to learn the ropes, but she did it, she was trained by Agent Romanov and Agent May-‘

‘The Cavalry!’ She remembered triumphantly. ‘And the Black Widow I believe.’

‘Yes.’ You paused and watched her face display an array of expressions. 

‘My son was always adamant that training his daughter to fight for herself was the best way forward. I suppose he was right.’ She pondered for a moment. 

‘What would you say to her? If she was here right now?’ You asked, daring to hear the answer. 

Your grandmother thought for a few minutes. You thought for a moment that she might not even answer the question.

‘You're from a long line of good people. SHIELD is your inheritance. SHIELD has been there all your life, watching over you, keeping you safe and yet allowing you to grow into your own woman, whatever that might be… SHIELD was founded on the basis that everyone is worth saving, every single person in this room and the next and in the world outside. It really is beautiful. This man here,’ she pointed out Phil. ‘He understood that in ways that your parents desperately tried to grasp, he was kind to everyone, opening doors for women, helping old ladies like me cross the street, seeing unimaginable terrors so that we don't have to. Now don't get me wrong, my time in SHIELD taught me what terror really was, but this man knows it like the back of his hand. Don't ever let this man die on your watch. He still has so much to give the world and so much of it will go without thanks. But that's not why he does it. He does it to preserve the memory of his fallen friends, someone has to remember the good they did, so he does and he carries those precious memories with him everyday into a new dawn and stands his ground in the face of monsters who try to steal that from him… If we were all a little more like Phil Coulson, there would be no need for the original.’ She laughed a little, coughing a little more violently. ‘I love my family more than anything, you'll understand when you're the only one left, your granddaughter coming to visit you when she can, so fresh, a new born life to live like you did, to pass through the years a little wiser than before, a little smarter than she's given credit for and a much better person than anyone knows.’ She looked out of the window, hands shaking slightly. 

‘Do you want to go for a walk? Outside?’ You asked just to stop the tears running down your face.

‘Oh yes. A walk with my granddaughter. I've missed those.’ She mused. ‘My little angel in the darkness.’ She looked at you with glistening eyes. ‘I've missed you.’ The tears poured from your face and you simply leaned back and watched as your grandmother slowly fell asleep in her chair.

‘I've missed you too. I'm sorry I haven't been here. I've been out saving the world. Just like you.’ You chuckled, still weeping, a painful lump in the centre of your throat unwilling to move.

You stayed where you were for another hour, when you looked back to your grandmother, she hadn't moved since she fell asleep. She was gone.


	12. Where We Began

[My grandmother’s gone. Will you pick me up?]

 

[I’ll be there in twenty mins.]

 

You didn't know what the normal protocol was in this situation. Did you stay and try to make sense of why you had been left alone? Or did you run away and try to do the one thing she wanted all her family to do? Good.

Phil got there a lot quicker than anticipated, he dealt with the nurses and let you sit quietly in the reception watching the last of a generation limp and struggle to move around the home. The cosy prison they had been left to die in, their families visiting on occasion, the last remaining memory that they had once been young and so alive, dancing and laughing, falling in and out of love so easily, making mistakes and smiling them away in the summer sun with friends. Listening to the new music they loved, riding bikes and wandering through forests, swimming in oceans and climbing mountains. They were worth saving. Those precious moments in a generation, it was worth clinging on to. It was worth every piece of fight you had in you. You had to believe that.

‘They'll deal with your grandmother.’ Phil said bringing you back to reality. ‘You need to inform Fury that you'll be taking time off to attend the funeral. It'll be a big affair… You've got a lot of questions, I want to answer them. Will you let me?’

You nodded and picked up the photo frame, shoving it in your rucksack as you left the home.

Lola. You missed her so much, the comfy seats that let you fall asleep in them so easily. The breeze that brushed through your hair giving you clarity after a long day. And of course the driver, the one that carried you to your apartment when you had nothing left, the one that looked so young and carefree driving his beloved car.

You drove to the same Chinese restaurant you had gone to when you had first met Phil, the one where he spoke mandarin to impress you, the one where he made talking easy, he made feeling easy, he made being alive easy. You wanted to kiss him so badly, but you still had that rage sitting in your chest that growled and wrapped itself around your heart and squeezed it for all you were worth.

You were suddenly very aware that you hadn't eaten since the morning before and that was only half a banana and a cup of coffee. Phil was giving you that pained expression, only it was a million times worse, because he was angry as well, he was fuming. You watched him assess you, you didn't care if he could read you mind, you were in too much pain.

‘Where do you want to start?’ Phil asked. His voice was harsh, like he had been shouting all day.

‘Have you ever lied to me?’

‘Yes.’

‘About something that mattered?’

‘No.’

You gave him a look that told him you were serious.

‘Sweetheart, you know I would never intentionally hurt you. Lying about things like your family come under that title… I have never lied to about anything that mattered.’ Phil was telling you the truth. You knew it, you had your ways of telling the difference.

‘My grandparents were part of SHIELD as well?’

Phil paused just long enough for you to notice. ‘Yes. Both sides. Your mothers and your fathers.’

‘What did they do?’

Phil sighed. ‘On your fathers side, your grandfather an engineer and your grandmother a medical officer and your mothers side they were both field agents.’

‘You said SHIELD didn't approve of relationships in its ranks.’ 

Phil chuckled. ‘Your family are spies, capable of just about anything.’ He pointed out the obvious. ‘Why does it matter what they did?’

‘It just does.’ You really had no idea why it mattered, but if you were going to be the person you wanted to be, then you felt like knowing what you came from would somehow help. ‘Why was I never told?’

‘Because, the sheer amount of pressure would've killed you.’ Phil's expression softened. ‘We just wanted you to be your own person… It was on my suggestion, that the information be given to you at different times, ease the pressure and maybe keep you alive for as long as possible. I knew you'd be angry and I was ready to take the brunt of it… I still am.’

You had too much rage groaning in your chest that you didn't have room to be angry with Phil. You just could care anymore. The lies were piling up. You remembered what your grandmother said about Fury being an angry man and Phil being nervous. He didn't seem it now.

‘She said you used to be nervous.’ 

Phil smiled a little. ‘Your grandmother scared the hell out of me on a regular basis, she was good at her job but if you struggled against her treatments, you'd be subject to her wrath. It made everyone nervous.’

‘Is that why you're so calm now?’ You always did wonder how he got to be that way.

‘I suppose.’ He thought. ‘Different life experiences, different lives, different effects.’ Phil studied your face for a moment. ‘I'm going to step over a line here… Please get that rage under control? Not for me or for your new team, but you will get yourself killed one of these days if you let it control you.’ Phil said with his stern no nonsense voice, fear tip toed through your chest and ceased the groaning momentarily. He was the only one that could do that to you.

‘She said Fury used to be angry?’ You needed to ease the fear somehow.

‘Yeah..’ Phil sighed, clearly seeing that he hadn't quite gotten through to you. ‘He was, but he dealt with it, now he just gets frustrated. Dr Wright helps on occasion. Which reminds me, you haven't spoken to Dr Wright in nearly two months, you're over due.’ The rage groaned heavily, a thick sickening groan.

‘She made it to old age.’ You said, refusing to talk about how broken you felt. ‘That was what killed her. Just being old and frail. How often does that happen?’ It was more of a voiced thought, but it caught Phil's attention. You could see a glimmer of something in his eyes though, a lasting pain that you couldn't make go away.

‘Not often enough.’ He said thinking on it. ‘We all die eventually.’ Phil watched your eyes flicker to the crowds of people in the cosy little restaurant, laughing, talking, connecting. The same old stuff over and over again. ‘When's the last time you ate?’ Phil asked.

‘Yesterday morning.’ There was no point in lying.

‘You need to eat more regularly than that.’ Phil urged. ‘You're so thin, you look sick.’ Another groan in your chest.

‘I'm fine.’ You said through gritted teeth.

Phil took the hint.

‘How's the new team? Skye said that you think they hate you?’ He asked trying hard not to show his own frustrations.

‘They do hate me. They've told me to my face… Except Dr Parker. He's nice enough.’ You shrugged, feeling the rage cool.

‘He asked you out.’ Phil said, a pain whipping across his face. How did he get so good at reading you?

‘A couple of times.’ You nodded.

Phil nodded and looked down. ‘He's probably a better match for you anyway.’ Phil said, sadness carving out a place to sit inside of him.

‘I said no.’ You stopped his train of thought before it went any further. But the rage began clawing out with its groans. ‘I'm fed up of this.’ 

‘Of what?’

‘I'm fed up of being pushed away at every turn.’ You were being very careful to keep your voice low, so that no one could hear you. ‘I'm fed up of not getting what I deserve. I'm fed up of having things taken from me. I'm fed up of the lies piling up… I'm fed up of feeling angry. I'm tired Phil, I'm exhausted and I don't even know how to stop it… I'm tired of loving you and not being able to tell you.’ You felt the tears reach your eyes and begin to force themselves out.

Phil took your hand and led you out of the restaurant, you needed to get out of there and just let off some steam. Phil led you back to Lola, but before he opened the door for you, he spun you towards him and gave you the only thing that could cool the rage and make it squeal in fear. He kissed you with such intensity that it almost hurt. His hands held you against him and you felt like you would never fall away. It was safe and deliciously suffocating all at the same time. His lips glided smoothly over yours, his tongue tasted your lips eliciting a small moan from you and for one glorious moment your world fell apart and nothing mattered but Phil. He pulled away gently and looked at you.

‘I'm sorry.’ He whispered.

‘Don't be.’ You whispered back and gave him a chaste kiss. You could feel the rage groaning slightly, flooding your body once again and that delicious suffocation was gone leaving only anger in its place.

Phil drove you back to your hotel. You stayed silent in the car. You thought about your grandmother and wondered if she had merely been waiting for you to come back before she died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexy times next guys, you can skip over it and not miss anything if you're not interested in any of that though ;)


	13. Where We End

‘Will come up?’ You asked, almost desperately. Phil smiled and nodded. He followed you in and up to your room.

You closed the door and before you could do anything else, Phil had you against the door, attacking your lips with his, his tongue and teeth caressing your mouth in every way he knew. That suffocation was back. The one that sent the rage running for the hills. Phil threw his jacket off and over a chair. His hands drifted to your hips and suddenly you shirt was coming off as well, his fingers caressed over your hips and played with the waist band of your trousers, you loosened his tie and began unbuttoning his shirt.

Phil moaned into your mouth, wanting more of you. But suddenly he stopped. He rested his head against your shoulder and you could tell he was beginning to fall apart.

‘What's wrong?’ You kissed the side of his head, hoping to bring him back.

‘Nothing.’ He chuckled. He looked at you, his hands either side of you on the door frame. ‘I just missed you so much.’ His gave you a kiss on your cheek and began trailing down your jaw, your neck, your shoulder, your collarbone and you felt alive with his every touch. Everything about him made you feel alive, a sense of reason, a vision of clarity where there was none.

He pressed his strong body into you, you slid his shirt down his arms and tugged at his undershirt. He chuckled and took it off. He had slight bruising on his ribs and you carefully ran your hand over it.

‘It's fine.’ He said. ‘I've been hurt worse.’ A stinging truth that you were the one that had hurt him worse. You had caused him pain. Phil cupped your face and kissed you, the clarity dressing your body again, wrapping you up in a warm blanket. His hands drifted down and lifted your legs so that they were wrapped around his waist, he pushed into you and you could feel his hardened cock through his trousers, you let out a moan as he carried you towards the bed and gently lay you down.

Phil's tongue caressing yours, moaning into you, telling you just how much this man wanted you. His head dipped down and he began kissing every part of your body he could reach. Desperation in his movements, there was no stopping him from making love to you right there, no secret doubts, no empty reason, nothing but his want driving him. He pulled your bra off and began his attack on your hardened nipples, licking and sucking and gently scraping his teeth over you. He moved his hand down to get the button of your trousers open, you lifted your hips for him to remove them completely along with your underwear.

You laid on the bed watching him take his belt off between your legs looking down at you, his brow knitted together slightly and his hands slowed down taking his belt off.

‘You okay?’ You asked worried that his doubts were creeping into his mind again. He looked over your body and it made you feel raw and a little sick. He removed his belt a threw it to one side. The pained expression fighting to make an appearance. He leaned down, hovering over your body by just a few inches, he kissed your cheek and whispered against you.

‘Please start looking after yourself, sweetheart.’ He pleaded. ‘I can't focus when you're not around, I can't stand not being with you. But please look after yourself, please eat something. I love you so much.’ Phil kissed you again and for the first time you felt the rage monster groan in your chest. Phil kissed your cheek and once again the rage disappeared.

Phil stood up and removed his trousers and underwear all at the same time. You felt his gaze pin itself to you, you needed Phil right there and then, to hold you tight and make you come undone. As if that one act would help you put yourself back together piece by piece. He kissed you with everything he had.

‘Phil, I need you.’ You whispered as his mouth found your neck, he pushed himself into you and you let out a glorious moan that made him throb inside of you. Phil couldn't stop kissing you and you loved every second of it, caressing your tongue, hands feeling every part of your body, thumbs drifting deliciously over your nipples, eliciting moans from wherever his could find them, you were alive.

Phil's thrusts became more urgent and you could feel the intensity building again, until your body began to shake. ‘Come for me.’ Phil begged, and soon you came undone. The world around you melted away and peace washed over you for a split second as Phil moaned into you trying to catch his breath. He watched you come back to reality and smiled, placing a delicate kiss on your lips. ‘I love you.’ He whispered against you, before kissing you again and rolling off of you. 

You turned to face him and watched him assess your features again. Phil pulled the blanket up and you both drifted off to sleep, the rage monster slowly crawling back towards the centre of your chest.


	14. A Furneral For Dead People

You felt Phil wrap his arms around you, pulling you closer, letting out a satisfied sigh. You could smell the day old aftershave, that musky scent like poison to the rage monster, making it quiver and quake. Phil kissed your shoulder and over your back gently waking you up with every kiss. You forced your eyes open and saw that it was around six in the morning, you didn't have to leave for your briefing for another three hours and sleep begged your return. You groaned into your pillow, feeling Phil chuckle against your shoulder.

‘I need to leave soon.’ He said pulling you to face him, you reluctantly turned over and looked up into those gorgeous blue eyes. You watched his pupils dilate for just a second as he looked over your face. ‘You want to take a shower with me?’ He asked, you nodded, feeling formality take over for some reason. Phil smiled and kissed you. He got up out of bed and went to turn the shower on. 

You felt the rage monster stick like tar to your chest and refuse to move at the memory of the night before, you had hoped that it would be enough on its own to cool the hot rage but nothing compared to the real thing, not even a memory. 

Phil came back and helped you out of bed, he looked at you for moment and you could see him looking straight into you and seeing the black tar of the rage monster making its home inside of you. The pained expression stuck to his face, before he leaned in and kissed you, his lips gliding over yours all too briefly.

He pulled back and looked at you again. ‘I guess I should be glad that I can kiss way that rage, even if it's just for a little while.’ He said sadly. You couldn't talk about it, you weren't really sure how he could tell, but you knew you couldn't talk about it. You just walked into the bathroom and climbed into the shower, letting the hot water calm you somewhat.

Phil climbed in behind you and you both took a shower together, something, even though it had only happened once before, you sorely missed. It was over before you were ready to leave the security of the hot water. But you had to get out sometime. 

You quickly got dressed, loosely tied your hair up and sat on the edge of the bed feeling exhausted. You watched Phil get dressed, keeping a careful eye on you. He checked the time and adjusted his tie so that it was loosely done, before he sat down next to you.

‘I'm leaving for Turkey this afternoon.’ He said. ‘I'll tell the team you miss them. Please call me if you need me.’ He kissed your temple, his arm wrapping around your small waist. He sighed into you. ‘I'm sorry I did this to you, sweetheart, I hope you forgive me… I'll always love you.’ It was like he was saying goodbye, goodbye to everything you had, everything you were and everything you could've been. Like the past two years were a memory that was being put to rest, an idea that never fully formed into reality. You felt so weak, you couldn't find the energy to hold on to him, to never let him leave that hotel room, but the rage monster wouldn't let you.

Phil kissed you one last time, you'd never had a goodbye kiss, but it felt like a death sentence, like a cold, taunting glimmer of what should have been. Phil smiled, you could see the tears finding his eyes and he left. He left you alone to sit on the edge of the bed for three hours while you sunk deeper and deeper into yourself, the black tar your only comforting thought. The warm pulsing rage that was sticking to your every rib as it built its home firmly inside you. You cried for a few minutes, gut-wrenching, throat-bleeding tears that stung your eyes as each one tore out of you.

It was time to leave, you typed out a quick email to Fury stating that your grandmother had passed away the day before and you were requesting time off to attend the funeral and recover. Three minutes later, it was granted and all arrangements would be made by SHIELD to commemorate her life. 

You were sure that she wouldn't care much about her funeral arrangements, more the things people felt when they thought of her family, the long line of good people that ended with you. You remembered her describing what your own life had in store for when you got old and had grandchildren, but you were certain that you'd never make it that far. The best always die young, or they live long enough to wish they'd died young. You'd heard that somewhere before, maybe seen it written somewhere, but you couldn't think where. It was a vague memory at best, all you knew was that it was routed in truth.

You made it back to the New York base for SHIELD, it was familiar and cold nostalgia was taking over. Parker gave you a quick wave from across the small lobby and you nodded heading towards them. Greene sighed as you got close.

‘We’re sorry about your grandmother.’ He said offering his hand. The rage monster roared at him, but you shook his hand anyway and nodded. ‘I heard she did a lot of good.’ 

She did a lot of good? Of course she did! She mended all those broken soldiers that were sent out to protect those who knew what being alive really was, however few there were. 

‘Aye. She did.’ Tarron said sadly, remembering her. ‘She scared the hell out of me, I can tell you!’ He snorted. Who exactly was he telling? You or Greene? ‘Everyone who went out had the fear if they got anything more than a scratch it'd be her grandmother they had to face next.’ Greene then.

Parker stood next to you and offered a sympathetic smile, you appreciated it, he didn't try to know what you were feeling, he just tried his best to be there for whatever he thought you needed. The rage monster didn't roar at him, but it did keep a careful eye on him. Jones didn't speak much either, but Tarron told a few dull stories of your grandmother intimidating men twice her size. You tried to listen but it was as if he was simply scratching away at your raw pain and allowing the rage monster to pour its tar into the empty space. 

‘Excuse me.’ You said more to Parker than anyone else. You walked into an empty pace of the lobby and checked the email from Fury. The funeral would be in a few days time, he had sent you the details of a time and place. You typed out a text to Phil.

 

[Will you be at the funeral?]

 

The reply came almost instantly.

 

[We all will be. We get back from Turkey the day before if all goes to plan. You okay?]

 

[Good.]

 

You didn't have the energy to pour what was left of your heart out to Phil. You didn't have the energy for anything anymore.

 

[Please eat something soon.]

 

The rage monster let out a painful roar that made your chest ache and made your breathing take it up a notch. You didn't reply to the text, but you did get an email from Skye telling you how sorry everyone was about your grandmother and that she thought Phil might be worried about you. She had no idea.

‘We’re heading up for the briefing now.’ Parker said as you wandered back towards the group, you were greeted back with a few suspicious looks. ‘I'm going to grab some quick breakfast, you want something?’ Everyone began dispersing and heading up the two flights of stairs to the conference room. 

You could feel you stomach being filled slowly by the rage monster. You shook your head and followed a small distance behind Tarron to the conference room. You caught a glance of Parkers puppy dog eyes as you turned away, but your heart no longer wrenched at the sight of it.

The briefing could not have been any more boring. You were heading to Russia to help Romanov on a month long mission involving missing shipments and stolen goods. You tried listening to the details, but you'd done this enough times that the details didn't really matter, all you needed was what you were looking for and how to identify the enemy. Two things you'd find out when Romanov finished gathering Intel. You'd hoped to hear from her by the end of the week.

Greene stood up and summarised the entry points that we're currently options, again you barely listened, knowing full well that it would change by the time you got to St Petersburg. 

 

You had spent the following few days, crying alone in your hotel room and training hard in the gym, you felt the rage monster filling your every movement with painful cries. You had promised yourself to eat more regularly, admitting that it was silly to starve yourself just to spite Phil and Parker. You had tried your best, but the sight of food was sickening after a while and soon you were only able to eat the second you woke up, before your body really realised what was going on. Unfortunately, you were throwing it back up after training. You could feel your body weakening and took to drinking protein shakes and taking dissolving nutrient tablets to keep your body functioning. You hadn't opened ant of your mail from Phil or Skye, Trip had even taken to sending you a couple of messages. You couldn't bear the thought of any of them.

You couldn't understand what was happening to you, you were taking comfort in your rage and felt yourself unable to care about the easy things anymore, like your friends and your health. Even Parker had barely given you a pass on your medical, you'd scraped the positive result by the skin of your teeth and had to listen to his lecturing about eating properly and easing up on the training. You headed straight for the gym immediately afterwards and had a two hour work out to calm yourself down. Something that was becoming increasingly difficult.

You woke the morning of the funeral with every intention of going for another work out once it was over. You'd cried enough that your eyes just felt raw and like you were crying blood. The rage monster just screamed day in and day out making your own throat dry and scratchy. You immediately got up out of bed and before you knew what you were doing you ate a protein bar and took a shower. You felt like the hot shower was merely hot tar coating your body, building a shield around you and cocooning you in its comfort and safety. It felt good.

A car came to pick you up, once you'd gotten dressed in your funeral attire, black trousers and a black top with your thick black coat over the top, you just got in the car and barely acknowledged the driver’s words of perceived comfort. The silence was thick and more comforting than any words the driver might've had for.

You walked into the church and took your place at the front, nearly all eyes were on you. Some faces you didn't recognise and others you tried not to stare at entirely. You stood next to Fury who's eyes widened at the sight of you. You tried not to notice and simply listened to the soothing screams of the rage monster. You all took your seats, you were sure that Fury was whispering something to you but the screaming was so loud it blocked him out.

You floated through the formalities of the sermon and everyone soon made their way out to watch as your grandmother was put to rest. You caught a quick glimpse of Phil, May and Skye, all heavily bruised and almost gaping at you. You didn't look long enough but you knew that Phil was furious with you. 

Everyone stood in the harsh wind of New York and paid their respects to your grandmother, you'd shaken your head when asked if you wanted to speak, you really didn't have anything to say. Most people forgave you, simply assuming you were in too much pain to talk. If only they knew. Phil stood next to you and you could feel the anger radiating from him and soothing the rage monster who was still trying to comfort you with its screams. 

Finally your grandmother was buried, you knew you wouldn't get away rom Phil easily, but fortunately Tarron had come over to shake his hand and distract him with empty stories just long enough for you to make a clean break and get back in the car without a single person noticing you were gone. You felt your phone vibrate in your pocket, Phil. You tossed the phone in your bag and asked the driver to take you to the gym and not to accept any calls for you, no matter who it was. He reluctantly obeyed and let the cars internal phone ring out.

‘Ma’am, Director Fury is calling, I have to accept this call.’ You understood and simply asked him to stop the car and let you out before he answered it. He stopped at traffic lights, coming to a compromise with you. You jumped out quickly avoiding the oncoming traffic and walked as quickly as you could to the gym only two blocks away. 

You weren't running away, you just needed space, you kept telling yourself over and over again. You needed time to recover, time to mourn. 

No one was there when you got to the gym, most of them would be attending the funeral. You found an empty room, threw a punching bag up and quickly changed. It was a little too quiet for your liking, so on went the music, filling the room with dull melodies. The rage monster now kicking and screaming, begging you to start your work out. You punched harder and harder, breathing through the painful burn in your arms, needing badly to keep going, to keep fighting hard. The sweat built up thickly on your forehead and soon over the rest of your skin. 

You felt someone enter the room behind you. You fought harder, punching quicker, burning hotter, until Maria Hill came into sight. The familiar firm expression on her face. You glanced at her but didn't stop punching, your arms were getting heavier, but it wasn't the time to stop.

‘I just had to fight off both Coulson and the Director, to stop them coming in here and kicking your ass.’ She said calmly. 

You stopped punching to grab your jacket, seeing her look at some of your scars. You took a gulp of water and went back to punching.

‘I take it you don't care that your grandmother is dead.’ Your punching now ablaze and firmly digging into the bag, it'd never be the same once you finished. Hill was testing you, of course you cared, your eyes felt like they were bleeding you cared so much. 

‘Or that Coulson got involved in a field operation, nearly getting himself killed in the process, just so he could be here for you.’ The rage was taking over and you began relaxing back into its blood-curdling screams. 

‘No I guess not.’ She knew you weren't giving in. You stopped punching and drank some more water, avoiding looking at her altogether, before taking a breath and going back to your training.

‘I should just let everyone come in here and kick your ass into shape.’ She said, it almost made you laugh, if it weren't for the pain finding its way to your stomach. You were going to throw up, you stopped punching again to take another drink of water. You could feel Hill’s concerned eyes on you, but the pain was easing. You knew that Phil and Fury were just outside the door behind you, waiting for Hill to go out and let them know you were fine, but that seemed a long way off. The pain was nearly gone, you took another breath and went back to the bag.

‘You're not fooling anyone you know?’ Hill strode over to you, towering over your figure. ‘We can all see you're struggling here, and we’re not upset with that, we’re not angry with you because you're grieving. We’re angry because you're throwing your life away without reason.’

‘It's my life.’ You said, finally. The pain wasn't gone for long. You stopped punching and stared Hill directly in the eyes. ‘It's MY life. How do you people not get that?’

‘Yeah, it's your life.’ Hill stared back with just as much stubbornness. ‘And what are you going to do with it? You're going to waste it, you're going slowly kill yourself and make us watch!’ 

You couldn't hold it any longer. You ran out of the training room, straight past where Phil and Fury were arguing about something and into the bathroom to throw up. You could hear Hill just outside the stall. You threw up everything you had and prayed that it would soon be over. No such luck. You threw up and the rage monster simply filled the empty space with more tar, making you weaker than before and wanting to just fall asleep in the stall against the cool floor.

You could hear Fury and Phil still arguing outside the bathroom.

‘She's longer your concern!’ Fury tried to keep his cool. ‘She is not on your team any more Agent Coulson!’

‘She needs help! You don't get it Nick!’ Phil yelled back. ‘She needs help more than you ever did! What worked for you, won't work for her! She's not made of the same stuff as you and I!’ What did that mean? You were stronger than anyone knew, how could Phil doubt that.

‘Take a step back! This is an order, go back to base and I will bring her with me to follow protocol!’ That seemed to shut Phil up, or he was too tired to continue the shouting match. You could hear Hill asking if you were okay. What a stupid question.

‘Fine.’ You called and finally found the energy to get up and head out, you leaned over the sink and splashed cold water in you face, the sting was soothing against your eyes. ‘Am I going to be asked to leave SHIELD?’ You asked, staring at a sympathetic Hill in the mirror.

‘No, not unless you want to leave.’ She said, she was being honest as far as you could tell. ‘But you will be monitored much closer than before, you'll be given a tracking bracelet and you will need to attend compulsory meetings with Dr Wright to assess your mental state, limited access to work out facilities and Dr Parker will ensure you get back to a regular diet again… There's no getting out of this one I'm afraid.’ 

‘Is the bracelet necessary?’ You asked wiping away the remaining sweat on your forehead.

‘It wasn't, until you slipped away from the funeral under the eyes of every decent spy SHIELD has. We figured it couldn't hurt.’ Hill was almost impressed. 

You gave yourself a quick scan in the mirror. Phil was right, you looked sick, your bloodshot eyes were surrounding by big black bags and your skin was pale and stretched tight over your bone structure. You could feel the pain coming back and tore yourself away from the ugly rage monster staring at you.


	15. A Clarity You Never Knew

A week later and Phil had been sent on an emergency mission and you'd avoided Dr Wright at all costs until your compulsory meeting with him. However, you were once again saved by Romanov getting back to you with a location for the missing shipments. You immediately flew out to St Petersburg and met up with her in the icy safe house. You shivered violently and made sure to keep your bracelet hidden, if anyone scared you more than Phil, it was Romanov. She had a way of just knowing things.

The team sat down with Romanov and Agent Barton to discuss a strategy to infiltrate the enemy warehouse and retrieve both the missing shipments and stolen goods. You'd spent the better part of an hour trying hard to hide your sickly skin from Romanov but to little success, she noticed immediately and gave you a glare. Once the meeting moved on from her intel she spoke in Russian to you.

‘Why do you look sick?’ She asked bluntly, she caught the attention of most people in the room except Barton and Greene who were looking at tactics.

‘Maybe it's the cold.’ You retorted.

‘Don't play games with me.’ She warned. ‘Why have I got Coulson on my back asking for regular updates on you? Why aren't you talking to him yourself?’

‘It’s a long story.’ It was a weak effort to move her away from the subject.

‘Has it got anything to do with Daniel Robben? Los Angeles? Your new team? Your grandmother?’ The rage monster clawed for Romanov, desperate to consume her, shouting abuse and giving out threats. ‘Don't throw your life away here.’

‘Why does everyone keep saying that?’ You said just a little too loudly. The shock was mostly aimed at the fact that you just rose your voice to the most deadly person in the room. ‘What is it you think is going to happen? Please enlighten me!’ You stood up, not waiting for the answer, instead wandering outside, feeling the cold sting of the fresh night air hit your face. Romanov knew better than to follow you. You just stood for as long as you could take, staring up at the few stars you could see and hoping that your appreciation for life would return at any moment. 

You spent the next couple of weeks on stake outs, a few conveniently coinciding with your compulsory meeting with Dr Wright. You were doing everything you could to avoid talking to him, you just couldn't deal with it just yet. 

The rage monster had begun shouting abuse at each individual person you came across at different intervals, you didn't care much, the verbal comments were soothing you. The thing that did bother you was that Romanov had taken to keeping an annoyingly close watch on you.

‘His name is Makorov.’ Romanov said bursting into the room where everyone had been working. ‘He'll be down at the docks in two hours with his men and the next shipment. Contact HQ and request immediate back up, we’ll need it.’ Everyone jumped into action. Tarron got on the phone to his contact at HQ and worked on getting back-up. The rest of the team geared up and headed out to the cars, there was a small amount of excitement as you travelled through the cold night air towards the docks. You had your thickest jacket that allowed you to move, but it still felt constricting.

You knew that it wouldn't matter too much, because you knew how these things normally went, you shared a look with Romanov and she was thinking the same thing. You were all in for a fight, you only hoped that back-up would find its way to you before too long.

Romanov was still glaring at you and you'd had just about enough.

‘Shouldn't your focus be on the mission.’ You said in Russian. ‘And not me.’

‘I can do both.’ She retorted. ‘You're going to do something stupid, I figure Coulson won't let me live if I don't bring you back in one piece, so I'm keeping an eye on you.’

‘You don't have to. I can take care of myself.’

She was almost laughing at you. Maybe she should just watch herself. You felt the rage monster say.

‘You've proven you can't.’ Romanov said. ‘Your nightmares are worse than before. You were screaming last night, asking Coulson to save you again. You haven't eaten anything for the past two days and twice you've collapsed from exhaustion.’

‘That happened in my room.’

Romanov gave you a look. Of course there would be cameras in your room.

‘I've been covering for you where Wright is concerned, but I don't know how much longer I can play dumb on your compulsory meetings. You need to talk to him at some point, even if you fake it, you need to do something to get them off your back.’

‘Lets just get this mission done.’ You said arming yourself and getting out of the car to prepare.

 

‘There's a team in Helsinki according to my contact.’ Tarron said over the earpiece. ‘They'll be here in under an hour.’

‘Good.’ Romanov was back to English. You both found good spots to hide, she had found one at the top of a crane where both you and the target were in clear view. ‘They should be here any second now. Everyone get ready.’

You took one last scan of the area, Barton was watching from the crane above, Romanov had the opposite side, Greene was beneath her and Jones and Tarron were on the ship on the off chance you couldn't stop them. As soon as that back up arrived, you'd be sorted, no one was getting past you to load that ship. 

‘Here they come.’ Barton said. You could him loading his bow.

‘Wait for it.’ Romanov stared down the lens of her sniper. You could hear the trucks coming, you couldn't quite see them yet, the cover of darkness was too heavy, but you could hear the rumble. Or that might've been the rage monster getting you ready for action. 

The cars soon came into view and various people began getting out, laughing and joking with cigarettes hanging from their mouths. 

‘Makorov is the one with the red tie, we need him alive.’ Romanov said quietly over the radio. ‘No one move until we see what they're loading.’ 

It was taking too long for your liking, you counted twelve goons and a particularly big goon you thought recognised standing next to Makorov at all times, his personal security. 

‘There's another car.’ Barton again said quietly. ‘The shipment must be in that one.’

‘Back-up will be here in thirty minutes. They're going as fast as they can.’ Tarron kept everyone informed.

‘No one move.’ Romanov was telling you more than anyone, you were getting fidgety, your chest was pounding hard, the tar was filling your limbs, making you feel charged and ready to start the fight. It was supposed to be clean, but the rage monster would ensure that it wasn't.

Just get them. The shipment will be here by the time you're finished.

‘Makorov needs to be seen with the package.’ Romanov reminded everyone.

Don't worry about that, just go for it.

You fought with the rage monster over following its or Romanov’s orders. Romanov was winning, for now. The car finally arrived and another goon stepped out, he had the package in hand and walked over to Makorov.

‘Not yet.’ Romanov again trying to calm you down. 

Makorov has the package in hand, isn't that enough?

‘Let him open it.’ Romanov said. It took him what felt like hours to open the case and reveal something you couldn't quiet see, you didn't care too much what was in the case, just that it was now open and you had every opportunity to take it from him. 

Now, go for it now! The rage monster was roaring so loud you didn't even hear Romanov give the order, you saw Greene come out from behind the crates and take down two goons before they fired back. Barton took out three and Romanov had begun firing as well. 

‘They've got company!’ Tarron shouted. ‘More cars coming up the road and a lorry!’ They were planning on a big shipment. You shot down four goons and Makorov was left with his security guard, but the cars weren't far behind and begun firing at you before they'd even gotten out of the cars. Greene was suddenly down, but you could hear shots still being fired from his position, he was alive. ‘Back-up is five minutes out!’ Tarron shouted again.

‘We’re going to need help out here!’ Romanov said, realising that you were now struggling with Greene down and the onslaught of enemies firing heavy machine guns at you. 

The rage was fuelling you and making you feel electric, like you were capable of just about anything. You heard Makorov shouting over to his goons.

‘Get the load off of the ship now!’ He roared.

‘Romanov!’ You called. ‘He's not loading, he's picking up! Something's on that ship and he wants it!’

‘Jones! What's on that ship?’ Romanov called still firing, but it seemed on Makorov’s orders the goons found extra motivation and began moving forward. Even with Tarron helping and Barton now on the ground it was getting difficult to hold the line for much longer.

‘Crates!’ She said, you could hear the panic, she'd never been in a gun fight before. ‘Just crates! It has Japanese writing on it. I can't read it.’

‘Is it red?’ You asked, with a strong feeling that you'd seen those crates before.

‘Yes!’ 

‘Guns, there are guns inside from Japan. He's working with Anthony Jacobs the arms dealer. I knew I'd seen that security before. He was in Japan when we were checking out that small time arms dealer Mr Chang.’

‘We can't let them get into that shipment!’ Romanov called. You did your best but there were just too many goons for you to fight with just one side arm, you were running out of bullets quickly.

‘Back-up should be here any second now!’ Tarron called, you chanced a look and saw that he was fighting off three goons that had made it onto the ship. He was losing as well, you needed to get onto that ship, Jones would never be able to defend the shipment on her own. You sprinted onto the ship and jumped to drive your knife into one of the goon’s throat. Tarron took down the other two, but he'd been stabbed in the stomach.

‘You can still shoot?’ You asked. He nodded and loaded his side arm, it wouldn't be enough. You stopped another goon coming up the ramp, you kicked him square in the chest, the rain had started and you knew your vision would be less than its best.

You threw Tarron your side arm and sprinted to where Jones was panicking next to crates upon crates of guns, you opened a crate and grabbed two guns and as much ammo as you could carry.

‘What's going on?’ Jones still panicked.

‘Tarron's down, we need to defend the shipment, they can't make it down here! Grab a gun and follow me!’ You went to leave, but you were aware that Jones was still standing behind you, frozen to the spot. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I can't… I'll be killed if I go up there.’ She said.

‘You'll be killed if you stay down here, I can't protect Tarron and defend the shipment!’ You roared letting the rage monster take over. ‘Make a choice! But make it now because I won't come back for you!’ You sprinted back up to Tarron, the rain was lashing down. A couple of goons had made it onto the ship, you threw Tarron the guns and slid the ammo towards him. He began firing as you started clearing the deck.

‘Romanov, looks like you need some help.’ Coulson, over the radio. He was the back up. 

‘Help would be appreciated, we've a man down under my crane, three on the ship, making sure that shipment isn't touched.’

‘Two!’ You yelled, thrusting your knife into the spine of a goon and pushing him away. ‘Jones is below deck, Tarron's been shot, but he's doing what he can.’

‘We’re coming!’ Skye. You couldn't see, but you knew that she would be the one to defend the bottom of the ramp and stop as many as she could running up to that shipment.

‘I'm here!’ Jones yelled from behind you. She was carrying a gun and looked determined, you nodded and continued fighting. You could hear Phil and Romanov yelling updates to each other over the radio. It seemed, Greene was unconscious and Tarron could no longer fire, May and Skye weren't doing much better holding off the goons from coming up the ramp, Trip was now down and May ran over to protect both him and Greene. Phil came to help Skye bottleneck the entrance to the deck. There were still too many goons coming at you, the deck was getting slippery and you kept losing your footing, your body was failing you, but you refused to give up. You let the rage monster take over and guide you through the fight.

‘I've got Makorov in sight.’ Barton called, this might nearly be over you prayed. ‘Got him! Flesh wound only, he’ll live!’ The goons eased up. You'd fallen hard on the wet surface and a goon jumped over you going straight for Jones. You tripped another and taken him out. You could hear Phil checking on Tarron, Jones screamed and you saw the goon leaning over her about to strike, you ran at him and jumped up to kick him hard in the chest making him fall over the edge of the railing into the deathly cold water below.

You again hit the edge of the deck hard and soon began slipping off of the deck following the goon, you grabbed onto the sharp edge of the ship but with your legs swinging down and forcing you to let go, you felt yourself falling off of the ship.

You fell hard and fast, the rage monster being ripped from your chest by the cold impact of the water, your body immediately felt weaker than you'd ever felt it before, you didn't have the mental or physical energy to do anything other than allow the breath in your lungs to be sucked painfully from you until your chest felt tight and you simply sunk further and further down into the icy water. You had a sense of peace, thinking back to everything that had happened leading to this moment. 

The bar. Phil. Lola. Darcy. Being kidnapped. Joining SHIELD. Phil. Falling in love. Being poisoned. Novak. Seeing your parents. Having your heart broken. Phil. Skye. Madrid. Rome. Hawaii. Phil. Romanov. Trip. Your birthday. Your grandmother. Greene. Phil. The meeting with Fury. The pressure. Phil. The crates in Japan. Phil. Russia. Phil. The rage monster. Phil. Phil.

You listened to your heart pounding its last few beats and let the clarity wash over as death came to claim you.


	16. Everything You Do Will Be Insignificant...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys get ready, the story is coming to a close very soon I'm afraid.

The familiar heart monitor rang through your ears painfully, you could hear voices, desperate to hear what they were saying. But sleep tugged at you hard. You refused to let it happen and fought hard to wake up.

‘She's waking up again!’ Simmons! ‘Grab the bucket?’ Why?

You threw up over the side of the bed, never quite getting your eyes fully open, Simmons was a good catch. Your body hurt, hurt worse than you'd ever felt. You just let yourself drift back to sleep, not wanting to repeat the experience, you told yourself that you'd let your body recover properly before attempting to wake up again. You had a brief moment of déjà vu.

 

The familiar heart monitor rang through your ears painfully, you could hear voices, desperate to hear what they were saying. But sleep tugged at you hard. You refused to let it happen and fought hard to wake up.

‘She's waking up again!’ Simmons! ‘Grab the bucket?’ Why?

You threw up over the side of the bed, never quite getting your eyes fully open, Simmons was a good catch. Your body hurt, hurt worse than you'd ever felt. You just let yourself drift back to sleep, not wanting to repeat the experience, you told yourself that you'd let your body recover properly before attempting to wake up again. You had a brief moment of déjà vu. No, a memory, you had woken up, many times before. 

 

The heart monitor rang loudly against your ears, were you ready? Was the dream over? Had your body recovered yet? 

You couldn't hear any voices this time, there was just cold silence all around you. Your chest felt light, the rage monster was gone, you felt empty in your rib cage, but at least there was no monster consuming you. You tried opening your eyes. The room was dark, it must've been the dead of night, your stomach felt harsh again, were you going to throw up again?

You desperately tried to find the energy to wake your body up enough to find the call button, but you had nothing left. Your stomach stayed in a suspended ache between throwing up and the moment before. You were safe for now. 

You were suddenly aware of how cold you were, the room was warm and you could feel the warmth trying to break through the barrier of your skin. You did everything you could to let it, but you still shivered. The heart monitor rang just a little louder and you cold hear movement outside your room. A nurse came rushing in with a bucket, you might've needed it soon.

‘She's waking up.’ The nurse said much quieter than Simmons had said before. ‘I've got a bucket for you, what's wrong?’

‘Cold.’ Was all your painfully scratchy throat would allow you to say. The nurse gave you a sympathetic smile.

‘Yes, we can't turn the heating up anymore, we've done all we can to get your temperature up to what it is.’ She said, trying hard to make you understand what was going on. ‘It's all on you now, take a few deep breaths for me.’ You tried, for the love of all things you tried, but the cold constricted your body so much, even breathing was hard. ‘That's it, much better than last time.’ She seemed pleased. She looked over to your other side and smiled, you tried to look, but couldn't turn your head properly, your neck was so stiff. ‘She's awake.’ The nurse said.

‘Phil.’ You breathed a harsh and painful sigh of relief at the tired blue eyes looking down at you. He looked more exhausted than you'd ever seen him before, but he was entirely happy to see you.

‘I learnt my lesson from last time.’ He said quietly, holding your hand gently. It burned your skin slightly, but you didn't care, you just needed him to hold you. ‘I wasn't going anywhere.’

‘We had a hell of a time trying to get him to leave you, before we gave in.’ The nurse gave a shake of her head, but there was little disapproval in her voice or in her face, she thought it was sweet.

The burning was becoming a bit much, you tried to make it clear by shifting your hand away from Phil's.

‘Sorry.’ He said, understanding what you wanted. There was a loud alarm from another room, the nurse looked very worried for a moment.

‘I trust you'll call for help if you need it.’ She said handing Phil the bucket, he nodded as she rushed to help the poor broken soldier in the room opposite yours.

You frowned at the room and Phil sighed. ‘Tarron's having a hard time.’ He said. ‘Everyone's surprised he lasted this long.’ Phil noticed the sadness in your face. ‘It wasn't your fault, sweetheart, it wasn't. He knew what he was doing, he's had worse injuries, but we think this might just be the one that does the job.’ Phil was being as honest as he could, he knew it hurt you, but he knew you needed to hear it. ‘Are you still cold?’ He asked.

You managed a slight nod. Phil took the soft blanket and covered your arm with it, he then put his own warm hands over the top and you felt a rush of heat surge through your body, just for a while, before it fizzled out. You watched Phil's face and knew he was about to break down in tears. You didn't want him to, but your body was so stiff, you couldn't reach up and hold him, hold in all the tears and not let any fall. The tears poured out of him, hot and fast.

‘I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.’ He said. ‘I shouldn't have come for you, I should have just let you stay in that bar working away, making a life for yourself and never brought you into SHIELD. I'm so sorry.’ You could tell he wanted to kiss you, but you both knew that it would sting your skin, so he just stroked your hair and tried to smile at you.

‘But, us?’ You really tried for more words, but your body just couldn't afford to waste any energy, even if it was being used to repair the damage with Phil. He understood anyway, he knew what you were getting at.

‘I guess there wouldn't have been an ‘us’. But maybe that's how it was supposed to be.’ He explained, thinking on it for a moment. ‘I guess its too late now.’ You felt your mouth twitch in an attempt at a smile and it made Phil happy. ‘Do you want an update on the team?’ He was trying to distract himself more than anything, you let him and listened to him list off everyone's injuries. 

Romanov and Barton seemingly came out unscathed, Greene lost a lot of blood, but made a fairly quick recovery, Skye broke a few ribs and had her knee dislocated, May had more than her fair share of cuts and bruises, but again was seemingly unscathed for the most part. Jones had a rather large stab wound in her thigh and had told the Director that she no longer felt field work was for her, something you whole heartedly agreed with. You and Tarron were the worst there was, Tarron was still struggling with numerous infections and he seemed unwilling to wake up. You had suffered hypothermia, along with blood loss from your injuries and your recovery was much slower than anyone would've liked. You took a deep breath trying to speak.

‘You?’ You asked Phil, he smiled almost laughing.

‘Mild cold shock, and a few stitches, nothing I couldn't handle.’ He said looking down at your arm and adjusting the blanket to cover more areas.

‘Cold shock.’ You said, you tried to ask but you knew he'd understand.

‘From exposure to extreme cold.’ He said matter of factly. ‘You think I was going to let you die down there?’ The slight pained expression appeared and you tried not to look at it.

You remembered drowning, you remembered the air leaving your lungs, the water filling them up and drowning, you must've died.

‘I drowned.’ You said, your speech becoming a little less slurred every time you spoke. ‘I died?’

The pained expression was back for good this time. ‘Yes.’ It was like he was throwing the word up, he did everything he could not to say it, not to let it escape his throat, but it was no use. ‘Yes, you died… But you're here now and that's all that matters.’

‘You saved me.’ You said.

‘Of course I did, sweetheart.’ Phil couldn't hold back and you didn't want him to. He kissed your forehead, burning hot and painfully, but you needed it, you needed Phil. ‘I'll always save you.’ He whispered against you, his breath the kind of warmth you could handle. You could smell that musky aftershave, a few days old now, but it was there and you felt your heart warm up a little.

‘Thank you.’ You said, you knew that there was really no need to thank him, but you felt like you hadn't said it enough.

Phil smiled and glanced over to Tarron's room, the nurses were still working hard, but it was clear that hope was a far off luxury that no one had anymore. 

‘I met Dr Parker.’ Phil said, a mixture of emotions on his face. ‘He seems enamoured with you.’ Phil glanced at you and gave you a small grin. He wasn't too worried about Parker, more amused. ‘I don't think he's your type.’

‘Are you?’ You wanted desperately to join in with the banter. 

‘I hope so. I'm trying to be.’ He admitted.

‘Don't try. Just be.’ It was all you could muster as sleep begged your return. ‘Go home.’ You said as you closed your eyes, you heard Phil chuckle slightly and you knew full well that he'd still be there when you woke up.

 

You had finally been allowed to leave a week later, when your temperature was at least reasonable and your body was functioning properly. You'd had visitors in your time in hospital, everyone coming to check on how you were. Tarron had passed away in his sleep a few nights before and you had felt a little glad, he was no longer suffering and no longer being tied down to this world. You'd miss him, but it was all part of the job, you'd come to accept that now.

 

Phil helped you into Lola and you relished in the comfort of her seats. A luxury you missed. You still felt weak, but you had enough energy to watch Phil drive, watch his every thought run through his mind, listening to the soft music on the radio. You wore your captain America hoodie and wrapped Phil's suit jacket around your body loving the smell of him on it. He caught you watching him a few times and just laughed feeling a little embarrassed. It reminded you so much of your time in Hawaii, when he looked carefree and like nothing in the world could bring him down.

You got back to your apartment and you were still a little shaky on your feet, but Phil was there every step of the way. He got you on the sofa and wandered into the bedroom for a brief moment before he was back with your quilt, you had taken your shoes and his jacket off and this was exactly what you needed. Phil threw the quilt on top of you laughing a little, you gave him a playful glare and laughed with him. He began taking his own shoes off and his tie.

‘You want to watch tv?’ He asked. You shook your head still smiling at the handsome man that stared down at you. Phil put the music on and went into the kitchen to make tea. You laid back and listened to the soothing melodies coat your every piece of being. Phil handed you a mug and settled in under the quilt with you. You watched as Phil took a sip of his tea and finally settled resting on his hand and smiling at you. A smile that reached his bright blue eyes. ‘Feel any better?’

‘A little.’ You nodded. You wanted Phil to kiss you, for it to be just like old times. ‘Will you kiss me?’ 

You watched as he thought for a moment before smiling and nodding. ‘Yes.’ You sat up awkwardly and leaned towards him, you had a nervousness in the pit of your stomach, the last time you had kissed this man, it had been a goodbye kiss, a death sentence literally. 

Phil looked over your face, his eyes dilating just slightly, you could tell he was a little nervous too. It felt like starting over, like you were doing everything for the first time all over again. He slid his hand through your hair and pressed a gentle warm kiss to your cheek, it sent a warm rush through your body that again fizzled out somewhere in your stomach. Phil pulled back, his thumb stroking your cheek softly, he had a gentle gaze and it again wandered over the rest of your face. Phil took a moment to take all of you in, you could see faint worry flash across his face, but it disappeared just before he leaned in and pressed a gloriously warm kiss to your lips. He pulled you closer to his chest and you could feel the need and urgency in his kiss. You loved him with all your heart.

Phil pulled away and watched you open your eyes to see him smiling again. You felt a little embarrassed and looked down at your mug, playing with the handle. When you looked back up, he had a small frown on his face that made you realise that you still had a lot to talk about and a lot of damage to repair.

‘Where do you want to start?’ You asked, giving voice to his thoughts. Phil sighed and you could tell what was coming.

‘Do you love me?’ He asked. Genuine fear setting in.

‘Of course!’ You said. ‘Phil, I'm so in love with you it nearly hurts.’ 

It was almost a sigh of relief. Phil smiled and you could tell he just wanted to kiss you again.

‘I'm scared.’ He admitted. ‘I'm scared of that. I've never loved anyone so much in my life, but you scare me in ways no one else can scare me. When I saw you at you grandmothers funeral, you looked so angry and so thin, you looked ill, I wanted to tell you how scared I was for you, but you disappeared right from under me. You were killing yourself and I was terrified of losing you.’ Phil was being painfully honest and where you were used to the rage monster growling and roaring at you, there was nothing but sadness and pain for the man that sat in front of you. ‘But at the same time I was so angry with myself, I kept telling myself that if I had just left you in that bar and never even come near you that night, maybe you'd be safer… I fell in love with you right there and then, you were so beautiful and I hated myself for thinking it. May noticed it in an instant.’ He chuckled, thinking back to that bar.

‘May notices everything.’ You smiled. 

‘Sweetheart, I desperately want you.’ Phil said scooting closer to you. ‘I'm tired of trying to feel any other way.’ 

‘Me too.’ You admitted. You watched each other for a while. You took a few gulps of your tea and put the mug down. ‘I'm sorry I pushed you away.’

Phil shook his head. ‘The advantage of being my age, is that I get it. I know all about that rage you had, I'm glad to see its gone… We lose a lot of good agents that way, your parents went through it as well, as did I and so did Fury. We all have a moment in our lives where we believe we can survive on that rage alone, it convinces us it's all we have and there's nothing you can do but ride it out and hope you still have some friends at the end of it.’

‘Do I still have my friends?’ You asked, hoping that the damage you'd done wasn't permanent.

‘No one left, we were always here for you.’ Phil held your hand and stroked it, sending heat through your body, it felt so good. ‘Tell me about it. Tell me about how you felt.’ He said, observing your face and watching for changes.

You thought for a few minutes. Phil waiting patiently as ever. ‘It was like tar… It stuck to my insides and screamed… It felt like every time I lost something, the tar would pour itself in its place… All I really know is that when I kissed you, it went away, it was just for a moment, but it left me and I felt like everything was clear again. I don't know if that makes sense.’ Phil just nodded and continued to listen. ‘I felt like if I just kept training or working, maybe it would melt away.’

‘But it never did?’

‘No, it just got worse and eventually it felt comforting, it felt safe.’ You remembered rage monster being ripped from your body as soon as you hit the water. ‘It went away when I hit the icy water though, like it knew I was going to die and everything was clear, everything slotted into place.’

‘Sweetheart…’ Phil couldn't help himself, he kissed you again, only with much more intensity. ‘I'm so sorry.’ He said resting on your shoulder, you wrapped your arms around him and held him tight. 

‘It's not your fault.’ You whispered against him. ‘This was meant to happen, I was supposed to join SHIELD, I was supposed to struggle, this was supposed to happen.’ You kissed every part of Phil you could reach, you tried not to let the quilt fall, you were still a little cold.

You and Phil sat for hours talking about all the things that went wrong, all the things that should've been said, you laughed with him and you kissed him, each time feeling a rush of heat flood your body. You ordered Chinese food and you sat just listening to music and just being in each other's company. Phil had sent a few emails and did a little work while you either slept or watched him type. He'd gotten an email from Hill reinstating you as a part of his team, you were going back home, you were getting your family back. 

For a while you felt normal, like you led a normal life, you had a normal relationship, you were a normal human being and everything was right with the world, you breathed in the normality and continued to watch Phil frown and sometimes chuckle at the screen in front of him.

It got late and Phil carried your tired body into bed. ‘I'm not going anywhere.’ He whispered as he climbed in behind you and wrapped his warm body around yours, keeping you close to his chest and ensuring you were warm and safe. ‘I love you.’ Was the last thing you heard as you drifted off to sleep.


	17. ...But It's Very Important That You Do It.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well this is it guys, it's been one hell of a ride. I hope you've enjoyed where the story has gone and how the relationship has developed over time. Thank you and goodnight. Love Jadders92 xxx

A year and a half later and you'd circled the globe once again, you'd gotten your friends back and you'd gotten Phil back. Being with him was no longer once in a blue moon, it was whenever you liked and it made you a stronger team as a result. You'd had a few ups and downs but nothing that couldn't be dealt with easily enough, Skye and Trip had been there for you when you needed more extravagant vodka and laughs and you'd become a fully functioning human being again. 

You'd set Parker and Darcy up on a blind date and they'd seem to hit it off quite well. Your diet went back to normal and you were getting a good six hours sleep a night, you could survive on six hours easy enough, everyone else did, but your training seemed to have stuck with you, you'd never been in better shape in your life and for the most part you were having the time of your life. You felt like you belonged.

 

You had been on a recent mission to Romania that gave you a broken leg, you could barely stand sitting on the side lines any longer, but when Phil had asked you to lead a mission to Johannesburg you felt your heart lift. He'd been reluctant to let you lead a mission to this point, telling you that maybe you weren't quite ready, but it was a small operation to infiltrate an abandoned enemy safe house.

Fitzsimmons were helping at your own safe house with some problems they were having with their equipment. Phil, Trip, Skye and May were all out and it was just you left in the bus to keep an eye on things from there. 

‘Let us know if there's anyone but us here.’ Phil said, reminding you of some of the things a good handler does. 

‘Just you.’ You replied over the radio. ‘There should be a corridor just in front of you, that should lead you to the basement, I'll have limited access to your position once you go down there. From what I can see its empty, but your radios will cut out from being below the lead flooring, you'll be on your own for a while.’

‘I'm sure we can handle it.’ Skye cut in. ‘A cake walk right?’ She was teasing you.

‘I thought we talked about that saying. No good comes from cake walks.’ You smiled.

‘We’ll radio back in fifteen minutes with an update.’ Phil said. You could hear the radios starting to fizzle out as they descended to the basement. You quickly brought up a few screens displaying information about the safe house, a few dossiers and some background about the area. You suddenly felt your spine trickle with fear, something was wrong… You weren't alone. You had taken to keeping your knife on you at all times, just in case you were caught in a situation where you couldn't reach your gun.

There was definitely someone else on the bus with you and they were getting closer, you could hear the familiar click of someone walking over the loose piece of flooring around eight or nine feet behind you. You counted three seconds before turning and leaping to give the intruder your signature drop kick. There were four men all with rifles, all trying to close in on you, your leg was killing you but a little pain had never stopped you before. You swiped your knife at the leg of one of the men, bringing him down and got caught by the barrel of his gun hitting the bridge of your nose hard.

You quickly got up disarming another and shooting the other in the shoulder with the gun. You then spun around swinging the butt of the gun to catch the last intruder around the jaw, you quickly knocked the others unconscious with the butt of the rifle and limped over to the first aid kit to stop the bleeding from your nose. Your leg was in a lot of pain, but you were fine just the same. 

You didn't really want to leave the four unconscious men in the one room that had all the information on your team, but you needed to see if the rest of the bus was safe. You quickly brought up the cameras for the room you were in and did a scan of the rest of the bus. You were searching the lab for anything that might've been planted when the team called in.

‘We got the hard drive.’ Skye said. ‘You there?’

‘Yeah.’ You replied, checking the video feed. ‘Okay, start heading back I'll set up a laptop to access the information for you.’

‘You okay?’ You heard Phil ask.

‘Fine. I'll see you when you get back.’ You said finishing up in the lab and doing a quick sweep of the ramp. You grabbed an ice pack from the lab before heading back to set up a laptop for Skye. The four men were still unconscious and the back of your neck ached from where you landed, you put your now slightly tatty captain America hoodie on and placed the ice pack on your neck.

You heard the team arrive back at the bus, Skye and Phil were deep in conversation when they suddenly stopped.

‘What the hell happened here?!’ Phil exclaimed, both he and Skye checking that the men were definitely down. Phil had learnt from a previous experience that if you were still standing, his first priority was to check the enemy was incapacitated before worrying about you.

‘They thought they could take the bus.’ You shrugged as Phil then checked that you were okay. ‘I'm fine.’ You said, Phil picked up the tissue you had been using and dabbed at the bridge of your nose. 'A cake walk you said.' You raised your eyebrows at Skye slightly.

‘How in the world did you do this with a broken leg?’ Skye said, somewhat impressed.

‘Just the same, except it hurt a lot more. Ow!’ You said as Phil put just a tad too much pressure on your wound.

‘Sorry.’ He said, still with a small frown on his face.

‘The laptop is set up for you.’ You told Skye, she shook her head smiling, still surprised after all this time about the things you were capable of. ‘Phil, I'm fine.’ You sighed.

‘I know.’ Once Skye was busying herself with the laptop, Phil gave you a smile and a quick kiss. You knew he couldn't stay angry forever, this wasn't even anyone's fault. Phil made you sit down while he tended to your nose. Trip was picking Fitzsimmons up from the safe house and May had simply walked into the room, took one look around and rolled her eyes before heading to the cockpit to get the bus ready to take off.

 

You were finally in the air, Trip, Phil, May and Skye had gotten rid of the four men in Johannesburg and you were heading back to SHIELD HQ for your annual two week break. 

You'd dropped off all your reports with Skye and had your meeting with Dr Wright who forced you to use the crutches you'd been given. A message came just as you were heading to meet Phil in the garage late that night, that Fury wanted to see you in his office. You'd only just gotten back, you felt like crap and now there was a strong possibility that you were in trouble for whatever reason. 

You sighed and quickly text Phil you were just heading up to see Fury and you'd text him again when you were done. You had a pounding headache and your stomach ached. You'd been throwing up again recently and felt achy all over, like your body was about to break in half, you were so thankful that you were getting two weeks to rest.

Finally you limped all the way to Fury’s office, Skye was waiting outside as well.

‘Do you know what's going on?’ She asked, you shook your head and looked to the receptionist, she had an excellent poker face and gave nothing away.

‘Don't think we've done anything wrong?’ You said, thinking back to the previous missions. ‘I'm sure Phil would've told us if we were in trouble.’ You tried to reassure the both of you more than anything.

‘You can go in now.’ The receptionist said, you both headed into Fury’s office and saw a room of people, Fury, Hill, a bruised and cut Romanov and Barton, Steve Rodgers, Dr Wright, May, Trip, Fitzsimmons, Parker, Jones, Greene, Darcy and Phil. All of them in good spirits and seemingly in the beginning of celebration. Fury stepped forward and raised a glass.

‘Welcome to level six.’ He said, the room applauded, all you and Skye could do was look at each other and hold each other, you were so happy, you'd both worked your arses off to get as far as you did and it finally paid off, you were now level six SHIELD agents, the youngest there had ever been.

The room came over one by one to congratulate you on your promotion, you'd stuck by each other, finding safety from the attention in each other's company. Phil wandered over as the room went about drinking and talking about various topics.

‘Congratulations.’ He said. ‘May I steal your partner in crime away for a few moments?’ He asked Skye who glared playfully and put her arm around you.

‘Package deal Coulson. Told you from the beginning.’ She teased.

Phil had a twinkle in his eye that said he was about to say something out of character. ‘Believe me, you don't want to be here for what I'm about to say.’ He winked at you and Skye just snorted and wandered away. Phil waited just a little too long before giving you a gentle kiss. ‘Congratulations sweetheart, you deserve it. You've worked so hard.’ He said, you couldn't do anything but smile at him.

You celebrated with the rest of the room, your head hurt too much, so you had a glass of wine and then stuck to water for the rest of the night, Phil had stayed close by while you caught up with Steve and Romanov who were like proud parents beaming at you and hugging you just a little too tightly. At some point, the celebrations had started to wind down, a picture had been taken of you all and you wondered briefly when you looked back on this moment in years to come… How many of you would be left? A thought that haunted you for a long while, to the point that Phil decided it was time to go home and indulge in light after party activities.

 

Your two weeks were nearly up and you'd been throwing up nearly constantly, you'd been given something to treat it, but when you thought on it, something really bothered you about the whole thing though. You'd been texting Phil when it hit you.

 

[Feeling any better?] he asked.

 

[Not really. I think it's just a bug]

 

[Keep drinking lots of water. You need to stay hydrated. About to head into a meeting, call me if you need anything, I'll be late home tonight. You might have to fend for yourself.]

 

You were about to text back when it hit you, you ran down the list of things you might've wanted him to pick up when you realised… You were around three weeks late. You'd never been late, your body was mostly like clockwork in that department. You grabbed you jacket and rushed to the store and picked up what you needed.

You'd gotten back to your apartment suddenly not really wanting the answer to your unspoken question. You felt sick again, the kind of sick that told you this either a very good or very bad situation to be in. You checked the time, Phil was due home any minute, where had the time gone? You darted into the bathroom and took the test. You heard the front door open. Phil.

You breathed heavily desperately wanting the test to hurry up. 

‘You okay sweetheart?’ You heard him call.

‘I'll be out in a minute!’ You called back. You heard him approaching the bathroom door. The test was over, you had the result.

You opened the door, Phil was frowning until he saw the pregnancy test in your hand. The test was positive. You were having a baby. The tears flooded from your eyes and all he could do was cry with happiness and hold you tight against his strong body. 

‘I love you Phil Coulson.’ You whispered and continued to hold him, you were never letting go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI there's a Brucey bonus piece that I've attached as a third part. It was what inspired the whole story to begin with so if you want to read it I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Update: does anyone want me to right another part? I've got a couple of ideas but unless anyone actually wants to read it they'll just be put into another story lol


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